Current Nationals in Playgirl

Hot.

Above you see (or don’t see if you cover your eyes like any reasonable person would do) Steve McCatty, mostly naked. Earlier today, Baseball Prospectus published an article detailing a 1980s Playgirl featuring Major League Baseball players and their sexy scouting reports.

Well believe it or not, magazines are still around. Including Playgirl. And I just so happened to be looking through one for more Steve McCatty pictures when I found something interesting… It turns out that a lot of the current Nationals players also posed in Playgirl, just recently. Below I’ve included some of the photos, and some of their scouting reports.

Nats Fail to Finish Chore of Sweeping, Get Beaten by Dads: A Padres Series Recap

Game 1:

A doctor (not shown) chases Span to try and finally cut off his umbilical cord. However, Denard doesn’t want to part with it after all these years, and runs away. (AP Photo/Lenny Ignelzi)

Nationals 6, Padres 2

Stephen Strasburg dominated the Padres on Thursday night, going 8 innings and allowing just 1 earned run. With a rough start to the season, Strasburg hopefully turned things around with his tremendous performance. What changed for him? Well, San Diego is where he’s from. And apparently that means a great deal for his comfort. He was quoted as saying, “It’s easy pitching in front of a lot of loved ones.” Understandable. But I have a question Stephen.

You…don’t love us?

Nats Acquire Brian Jeroloman

This is our man. Our Jeroloman.

The Nationals have made the first big splash of the season by trading for Brian Jeroloman. Assuming you think no water displacement makes a good splash. If you don’t, then this move doesn’t mean much.

You probably don’t.

The team traded cash to Pittsburgh in exchange for Brian, adding to the list of many occasions where a DC executive has paid someone for their services. As long as he’s willing to get down on his knees and do the dirty work back there, he’ll fit in just fine.

If You Can Dodge A Wrench, You Can’t Necessarily Dodge a Wall: Dodgers Nail Nats With Headshot, Win Series

“He seems dead to me. Where’s the nearest meat grinder?”

Game 1:

Nationals 6, Dodgers 2

Bryce Harper plays the game of baseball the right way. There are only two steps to playing baseball the right way, and he excels at both of them in a fashion that you just don’t see very often in today’s game. They are:

1: Being really good at baseball
2: Smashing your head into things so hard that you bleed

There are a lot of players who are really good at baseball, though not many with Harper’s potential for greatness. But the art of self-inflicted head trauma seems to be dying out in modern baseball. Players these days are just too concerned with preserving the integrity of their skulls, and not enough with adhering to the time-honored tradition of causing blood to pour out of their faces  by hitting them really hard with solid objects. It’s sad, really.

But Bryce Harper gets it. He knows that baseball is about more than just hitting home runs, running fast, and playing great defense. It’s also about doing things that could potentially cause severe damage to the most sensitive part of the body.

Let’s hope some of the other Nationals start following Bryce’s heroic example and mutilate their own faces as soon as possible.

The Curse of the Billy Errors: A Cubs Series Recap

Game 1:

Despite Ryan’s protests, the ump went through with his dick punch, captured here mid-windup. (AP Photo/Nick Wass)

Nationals 7, Cubs 3

This is Ian Desmond’s world and we’re all just living in it. Which explains the amount of accidental gunshot deaths in the news recently. A lot of people are committing stupid errors.

But today there were no accidental gunshot deaths, or even worse, throwing errors for Desmond. Instead he put on a fantastic offensive performance that powered the Nationals to victory. With a home run, a double, and a single, Desmond managed 7 bases while seeing just 6 pitches. So he was a lot more patient than usual. All in all, I’m very happy with Desmond at the moment. In fact, I’m going to order an Ian Desmond jersey right now.

*UPS guy arrives*

Why does this jersey have the number 6 on the back? That’s his old number! Gah, what a stupid error. Didn’t you get the memo MLB shop? We’re not doing that for Desmond anymore!

Nats Catch Tigers By Toe, Don’t Let Go When They Holler

Game 1:

Denard Span makes the mistake of looking into the fiery pools of unbridled hatred that are Adam LaRoche’s eyes. (Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Nationals 3, Tigers 1

This game marked a historic moment: the three billlionth anniversary of the day that Davey Johnson first clawed his way out of the primordial soup.

It was also less notable as being the first time that the Nationals have ever beaten the Tigers in a real live major league baseball game. It’s another relic of the Nationals’ embarrassing past shed, like when your mom finally incinerates your collection of Magic: The Gathering cards or when a really ugly person that you hooked up with once finally dies.

This is a new, more mature and discerning age of Nationals baseball. We can do things like beat the Tigers and have people like Jordan Zimmermann on our team, now, and people won’t think we’re getting too high above our station. We no longer have to be ashamed to exist. That’s the mark of a great baseball franchise.

Nationals Ring the Bell, Win at Pitt: A Pirates Series Recap

Game 1:

Jason Grilli’s hair starts spinning to prepare for takeoff. (AP Photo/Keith Srakocic)

Pirates 3, Nationals 1

“Fuck the Yankees.”

Having admitted to being, in addition to a Nationals fan, a Yankees fan, that is not a sentence I have said often. I said something like it once before when I asked my girlfriend to keep putting on different masks of Yankees players so I could live out a totally non-gay, non-weird fantasy. But don’t judge, cause you’d do it too if you got to imagine you were having sex with Bartolo Colon.

But it has recently become clear that the Yankees, obviously tired of winning the World Series (why else would they trade for Vernon Wells and sign Lyle Overbay?), have made it their sole objective to hurt the Nationals. The plan? It’s obvious. To acquire terrible talent and strategically send them off to teams where they could hurt the Nationals most. You may say I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I have proof that the government doesn’t want me to reveal because Bigfoot is real and 9/11 was an inside job.

At-LAN-ta Party: Nats Counter-Strike Braves to Split Series

Game 1:

A Braves fan tries to create a large-scale version of his weirdly shaped penis. (AP Photo/John Amis)

Braves 3, Nationals 2

This series started out kinda bad. The Nationals hadn’t beaten the Braves since dinosaurs walked on the moon (Date: August 22, 2012; Dinosaur: Apatosaurus). And in this game, they kept not beating them. Kinda bad, as I said.

Another thing wrong with this game was that Stephen Strasburg got injured. Not a big deal, you know. Just some forearm tightness. I mean, who cares? It’s just Stephen Strasburg. We have at least several other pitchers. Besides, my forearm gets tight all the time. It’s just a tight kind of muscle. Maybe they just meant that his forearm was tight, like, in the way that people use the word to talk about cool things? You hear that all the time on the streets, people walking around saying to each other “Yo, dude, that forearm is tight.” They do, don’t they? Don’t they? Tell me they do. Tell me. AHHHH NO GOD I CAN’T DO IT ANYMORE I CAN’T BEAR IT AGAIN JUST MAKE STEPHEN STRASBURG’S FOREARM BETTER PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

Zimmerman Activated, Rendon Optioned

Despite a glowing recommendation from Tony Tarasco, Rendon’s assets were not enough to keep on the big league roster.

Do you feel healthier? Has your inflammation gone away? Is that rash cleared up? Have your nipples shrunk back to less than the size of a novelty McDonald’s Hercules plate? Well that’s because your Rendonitis has subsided, for now. Ryan Zimmerman has rejoined the Nationals, leaving no place currently for Rendon and his infectious existence.

For a long time I thought there was no cure for Rendonitis, but clearly it is Ryan Zimmerman. So the next time you get an infection thought to be incurable, take 1 Ryan Zimmerman and it may help. Orally or rectally, whatever floats your boat.

Rendon will be back before long and we’ll all get sick again. But for now we have the return of our other Zimmerma(insert appropriate amount of “n”s here). Zimmerma(insert appropriate amount of “n”s here)ia is running wild in Natstown, and might be even more infectious than Rendonitis. If you start tearing your Nationals shirt down the middle and growing bleached blonde handlebar mustaches, try taking 1 Anthony Rendon and see if that cures you.

1 Is The Loneliest Number That You’ll Ever Hit: A Reds Series Recap

Game 1:

Gio and this female reporter have very different reactions to being covered in urine. (AP Photo/Alex Brandon)

Nationals 8, Reds 1

I had my iTunes playlist all ready for Gio’s start. Songs like “Walk This Way,” “These Boots Are Made For Walking,” “Walking On Sunshine,” and many more tunes that would make paraplegics very depressed, were all primed up and ready to be played every time Gio walked a batter. And wouldn’t you know it, Gio lacked control yet again. He walked DOUBLE the amount of players that he allowed hits to. That’s right, TWO walks, and- Oh. He threw an 8 inning 1 hitter? That’s pretty awesome. Knowing Gio had such a good game relaxes me more than those other 1 hitters filled with pot.