The Dickey’s Mightier: Mets Claw Nats in Cockfight

Wang’s attempt at a more creative windup was immediately and peremptorily declared a balk. (AP Photo/Jacquelyn Martin)

Finale Score: Mets 3, Nationals 1

Dame of the Game*:

Ryan Zimmerman: 2-4, HR, R, RBI, K. The asterisk is because no National was a true dame today. Zimmerman’s meaningless 9th inning home run was the closest anyone got to making it seem like the entire team hadn’t stayed up all night gorging themselves on a never ending pasta bowl at Olive Garden.

Shame of the Game:

Bryce Harper: 0-4, 2K. Plus he injured his back diving for a ball and may not play against the Red Sox this weekend, which would be a profound loss for mankind. I would give my left mother to watch him steal home off Josh Beckett.

——-

Look, I didn’t wake up this morning wanting to make another penis joke. I’ve been writing a lot about penises lately, and it’s making me think about penises more than I really want to. Nor did I want to make a racist joke. I’m not a racist person and I don’t want to make anyone feel bad about their race’s stereotypical characteristics. So I’m just going to lay out the facts for you, as objectively as I can. Last start, Wang was outperformed by a man named Johnson. Today, Wang lost to a man named Dickey. Wang is Asian. His opponents were not Asian. The universe has conspired to bring about this remarkable confluence of events and place me in the uncomfortable position of refusing to make this joke. I feel like Tantalus, except that it’s not grapes dangling over my head but penis jokes hanging from a penis tree.

So I will mostly refrain, except to say that the Nationals should not resist the clear message that the universe is sending them. The next time they face Josh Johnson or R.A. Dickey, the only responsible thing to do is to oppose them with someone named Giganto Blackpenis.

Part of the reason it was so irresistebly tempting to go with the penile angle on this story is that the rest of the game was pretty uninteresting. Let me try and think of another joke for this game…

Aha! The Nats did so poorly against R.A. Dickey’s knuckleballs today that it make me want to give them all a knuckle sandwich! No. No. That’s not a good joke at all. That’s miserable. The real shame of the game is me. I’m so sorry.

I’ll never joke again.

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