Civil War: Yankees Win Battle in Sportsmanlike and Reasonable Manner

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With his on-field skill on the decline, Xavier Nady seeks to help the team in other ways. (Photo by Greg Fiume/Getty Images)

Final Score: Yankees 7, Nationals 2.

Dame of the Game:

Mike Morse: 2-4, 1 R, 1 2B, 1 RBI. Morse was one of the few bright spots tonight, but just like with the Titanic, it could not save the Nationals. Although we all know which event caused greater losses because let’s be honest, it would’ve been a big deal to beat the Yankees. Ugh, life sucks sometimes, doesn’t it?

Shame of the Game:

Brad Lidge: .1 IP, 1 H, 2 BB, 3 ER. Bad Lidge (that’s right, I said it) is bad. He’s been terrible since returning from his injury, leading me to believe there must be something wrong. Yet we keep sending him out there looking for a win, just like a selfish trainer might send his race horse out despite injury. I think the next time we see Lidge struggling to finish what we asked of him, just like a race horse we should put him down right there on the field, and take away the pain.

———-

The Yankees can buy a lot of things. They can buy the best players. They can buy the nicest amenities for fans. They can buy the souls of young children to feed the ever growing lust for them that the Steinbrenner family has. But there is one thing the Yankees cannot buy, and that is a win.¬†However they still do get wins, it’s not like they’re a team of completely immobile old men (note: A-Rod is just a semi-immobile old man).

One of those wins came tonight as the Nationals and Yankees opened up a series at Nationals Park. It marks the first time the teams faced off since 2009, when the Nationals took 2 of 3 at Yankee Stadium, and ended up winning 59 games and a last place finish. Before that in 2006, the Nationals took 2 of 3 in Washington, and ended up winning 71 games and a last place finish. For the love of God you Yankees, please don’t let us take 2 of 3 again.

It was not a good game anyway you look at it. The offense was anemic, the pitching was inefficient, and I stubbed my toe when I got up to get some chips. Dammit Rizzo, why couldn’t you fill the toe stubbing holes this team has! Also a lobster tackled Teddy in the President’s Race causing him to lose. Where was securirty?! You know, I’m beginning to think this thing might be rigged…

The bullpen was ugly tonight, and I’m not just saying that because Tom Gorzelanny made an appearance. Lidge, Mike Gonzalez and The Gorzler combined to throw 3 innings, allowing 4 runs and 6 baserunners. It was the suckiest performance by members of the bullpen since Craig Stammen and Ross Detwiler got confused on a trip to Thailand last year and were lost to a sex trade for a few weeks.

Bryce Harper only went 1-4, leading some to wonder if he’s trying to not upset the Yankees before the day when he can try to get 300 million dollars from them. Bryce claimed it was not that, saying that he could go to the Yankees if he ever wanted to since he’s kind of a douche and can hit home runs. Alex Rodriguez, Gary Sheffield, Reggie Jackson, David Justice, and thousands of others agreed.

The series will continue Saturday at 1, Jordan Zimmermann faces off against Andy Pettitte, who is making his first start since turning 40. Some think turning 40 is impressive, I think it’s just excessive. I mean turning two, maybe three, is all we need to see on a baseball diamond. Running onto the field for Kids Run The Bases and violently tagging out 40 kids was just unnecessary, Andy.

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