Maddon/Johnson

Based on a true story.

Scene: An elderly gentleman, Dave, sits on a park bench, watching the world go by. He sports a red baseball cap and a windbreaker; his cane rests beside him. Another old man, Joe, hobbles slowly up to the bench and sits down next to Dave. He wears a dark blue cap and carries a cane of his own. The two men act as if the other is not there for several minutes.

JOE (growling): Pussy move.

DAVE: What?

JOE: That was a pussy move.

DAVE: I always knew you were a weird wuss.

JOE: Coward.

DAVE: You’re the coward, hiding behind your Tweeter. I went on the internet. I saw how many people you talked to on your Tweeter.

JOE: Most men have Tweeters.

DAVE: Most men have penises too.

JOE: What?

DAVE: I don’t see you hiding behind your penis.

Joe looks at his penis. Dave looks at Joe’s penis. This goes on for several seconds.

JOE: I would never use my Tweeter to gain an unfair advantage.

Dave keeps looking at Joe’s penis. Finally, he looks up.

DAVE: Weird.

Dave pauses for emphasis.

DAVE: Wuss.

JOE (sighing): Look. It happened 20 years ago. I’m ready to move on.

DAVE: I’ll move on when you apologize to everyone on your Tweeter.

JOE: Tweeter doesn’t even exist anymore. I can’t.

DAVE: No deal.

JOE: Fine.

The two men sit silently for a long while, glowering at any passers by.

DAVE (muttering under his breath): I heard you use pine tar on your penis.

JOE: DON’T YOU DARE SAY THAT ABOUT MY PENIS

DAVE: I heard that’s the only way you can satisfy your lady-

Joe interrupts Dave by smacking him on the knee with his cane. Dave grabs his own cane and starts wailing on Joe, shouting “WEIRD WUSS WEIRD WUSS.” He is answered by corresponding cries of “PUSSY MOVE” and “COWARD” from his adversary. After many weak blows are landed, the canes are dropped and the two elderly gentlemen wrestle each other into a nearby pond.

Fin.

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