You Mad(don) Bro? Joe Forced to Respect His Elder as Davey Takes Series, Bengay

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Joe Maddon insensitively and ignorantly calling out Edwin Jackson and the Nationals for covering their entire bodies in pine tar. (Photo by Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 5, Rays 2.

Dame of the Game:

Ryan Mattheus: .1 IP, 1 K. Out of context, this line is probably one of the least impressive for our dames of the game. But in context, this was a key bases loaded strikeout to preserve a small lead in the 7th inning. I feel bad for Mattheus. For far too long he has been plagued by people not looking at him in the proper context. Some call Mattheus a somewhat odd looking man. But when comparing to some (one) of his teammates, he’s like a flower. A tall, oddly shaped flower. Perhaps a sunflower, with some sort of harmless yet obvious genetic mutation in the gene pool.

Shame of the Game:

Joel Peralta: Loss, 1 IP, 2 H, 2 ER, 1 BB. It seems as if Peralta’s career has begun to pine away and deteriorate. Pitching in his second straight game since being called out for using pine tar, Peralta searched for alternatives, but to no avail. He looked to other forms of tar to help him pitch at the same level, since tar was all he knew. Joel flew in members of the North Carolina Tar Heels basketball team to cheer for him and build up his confidence, but they didn’t work. He insulted a feudal lord to get covered in tar and feathers, but was told it wasn’t Rays ’79 Throwback Night yet (I meant 1379, of course). Lastly he attempted to immerse himself in a tar pit as if to try and gain powers, but ended up being preserved for millions of years in a lifeless state. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

———-

A new rivalry was born in baseball on Tuesday. A rivalry that required much more prune juice for the main participants than any previous rivalry. Over an issue as simple as the materials on a person’s glove, the Rays and Nats developed a quick dislike for one another. And now, with the series completed, it is clear that the Nationals are the better of two teams. Other than the fact they kind of picked on such an easily ignorable and probably unimportant thing, suggesting that they are actually the more petty of the two teams. But I’m ok with being petty, because he’s a talented musician.

Using unhealthy thick materials, and old men yelling aside (two things often impossible to ignore when Jewish delis open within close proximity to one another), the Nationals took 2 straight games with their win tonight to take the series over Tampa. It was an important set of victories after losing 4 in a row to begin the homestand, something I never thought could happen. I mean this team was really good at “Connect 4″ in the past. With just one series to go, the team stands at 9-6 in interleague this year, just a quick physical flip away from a hilarious record. Oh well, you can’t win them all.

An important story continues to be the shutdown tandem of Burnett and Clippard in the 8th and 9th. Both men combined to turn in 2 perfect innings in tonight’s game. With all this success, is Tyler really over Drew? Had Tyler been using Drew this whole time just to get ahead? Did Tyler sleep with Drew’s identical twin sister Dru? Who is the father of Xavier Nady’s baby?! (Probably Xavier Nady). All these questions will be answered on next week’s episode of National Disasters.

Danny Espinosa had 2 doubles, drove in 2, and had a crucial steal that led to some scoring. When reached for comment, Espinosa said, “I’m just as surprised as you.” Of course he was replying to someone showing him how a Jack-in-the-Box functioned.

The Nationals travel to Baltimore on Friday night to open up the final interleague series of the season. A sweep is needed for the Nationals to take the Beltway series for the first time since 2007, a time when the victor of the series was rewarded by knowing that as shitty as they were, someone was shittier.

Don’t worry about the loss though Florida. At least you had the Miami Heat with the NBA title tonight. Huh? What do you mean that all the sports fans from Florida stopped reading this because it was coming to a close? Why wouldn’t they stay and see the event through to the end?

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