Kyle’s Team is a Big Fat Bitch, it’s the Biggest Bitch in the Whole Wide League

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Tyler Moore happily trots away after kicking Kyle Kendrick in the nuts. (AP Photo/H. Rumph Jr)

Final Score: Phillies 4, Nationals 2.

Dame of the Game:

Tyler Moore: 1-1, 1 R, 1 HR, 2 RBI. Tyler was the only National who seemed to think scoring was an appealing idea. I didn’t know this was a team of eunuchs. Although I assumed Gorzelanny might have just cut his off by now since nobody ever uses it.

Shame of the Game:

The MASN Broadcast. Usually a quality broadcast, I must complain that they didn’t blur out obscene content tonight. Sure there’s a lot of them, but when there’s something as shockingly grotesque as Phillies fans’ faces being shown left and right you really have to step up and censor them. Think of the children.

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Tonight, the Nationals came into Philadelphia and lost. I guess the phrase “it’s always sunny in Philadelphia” doesn’t hold true for Nats fans. Not only because the game was depressing, but also because it took place at night and the sun isn’t there at night. I wonder what other phrases related to Philadelphia are just bald-faced lies. How about, “The City of Brotherly Love.” Hmm, no that sounds about right. I mean without incest, how would Phillies fans look so deformed.

One of the biggest plays in the game was Danny Espinosa getting caught stealing. Danny led off the 9th with a single, which brought the tying run to the plate. However he was caught shortly after. But he would’ve gotten away with it if it weren’t for those pesky kids! Those pesky kids being Erik Kratz and Jimmy Rollins. What a bad show Scooby Doo would have been if the gang consisted of just Kratz and Rollins. I guess people might still claim it to be a good show, but really, none of it would be deserved (see Jimmy Rollins 2007 MVP to understand joke).

Back to Espinosa being caught, Davey Johnson said he would address the decision to steal during the postgame. What can we expect from Davey? Probably a lengthy tangent that includes some distance being walked in the snow. I assume Danny will come out of the meeting unpunished, and with some hard sucking candies.

Mike Morse was hit by a pitch in the first inning, causing him to leave the game. Reports are that his hand is not broken, but that he will likely sit tomorrow out. Is that all you have to do to avoid playing in Philly? Have your hand nearly broken? It might be worth it to avoid all that heckling and those terrible smells near the bullpen, which are either coming from a Phillies fan or because nobody told Tom Gorzelanny to take his pants off when using the bathroom. Both of these are likely causes.

Chad Tracy made me question his massive extension, with a dismal 0-1 performance tonight. Are these the numbers we can expect in the future from Chad? I mean one at bat is certainly enough of a sample size to begin to freak out. I mean what if someone had bet all his life savings on Chad Tracy getting a hit in his at bat, getting the confidence to do so because the Nats trusted in him. And what if he can’t afford to pay his debts right now? And what if the mob is making threatening messages? What do I do? I mean he. What does he do?

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