2013 Nationals Player Profile: Denard Span

Denard Span’s saliva is worth its weight in saliva.

On January 16, 2013, Denard Span woke up, went to the bathroom, defecated, forgot to brush his teeth, and pulled on his Lounging Robe, which is neon pink and checkered with pictures of his naked body taken from different angles. He plopped down on his couch, flipped open his laptop, and started clicking around on youtube.

Denard Span saw something on youtube. Something that would change his life forever.

He couldn’t contain himself. He tried to resist for a few minutes, but twitter was calling him with its siren tweet-song. At last, at 11:54 AM, Denard Span tweeted the following tweet:

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@thisisdpsan: “I was watching some controversial stuff on YouTube about the sandy hooks thing today! It really makes u think and wonder”

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It really does. It really makes me think and wonder about Denard Span, and what other odds and ends are meandering around in that crazy ol’ head of his.