Monthly Archives: March 2012

Happy Birthday Chien-Ming Wang!


Wang grew confused when told he was 32. "No, I'm 40," he said. This went on until people realized it was a lost cause five minutes later.

Happy Birthday to Chien-Ming Wang, who turned 32 today. He spent his day sitting quietly, as he was instructed to do as to not aggravate his injury.

When asked for comment Wang said, “I can’t believe that 32 years ago I was inside a woman. Hopefully someday I will get to do that again.”

Presents included compliments, and a Chien-Ming Wang bobblehead. “It’s like me, only made of plastic,” said Wang. Everyone nodded in agreement.


Thirtieth Spring Training Game: Washington Nationals vs. St. Louis Cardinal Error (Westbrook, throw)

Chad Tracy was arrested after the game for plumbing a toilet without permission. He's addicted.

Just a day after The Zimmerman(n) Telegram proclaimed that the Nationals would never lose again, the Nationals lost. It takes a big man to admit when you’re wrong, but since all the authors of this blog are medium-sized men I guess we can’t admit to anything. So we’ll just ignore it and pretend the whole thing never happened, but still offer many confident guarantees in the future based on ephemera.

There wasn’t a whole lot to be excited about today for Nats fans. It was Stephen Strasburg’s last start of the spring, but it was a fairly mediocre one. The offensive star of the day was Chad Tracy, who was 2-4 with a home run.  That’s notable only because it’s just the second time the phrase “The offensive star of the day was Chad Tracy” has ever been said. The first time was when Chad’s parents decided to name a star after their son but then an astronomer who devotes his life to finding the most offensively ugly stars picked the Chad Tracy’s star the next day.

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2012 Nationals Player Profile: Rick Ankiel


Ankiel having trouble escaping his dark past.

Rick Ankiel has come a long way in his baseball career. After going through some tough times as a pitcher, Ankiel has made his way back to being a centerfielder, with a great arm and power bat at times. The Nationals are lu————————-cky.

Huh, sorry. I didn’t mean to put the “cky” over there. It just slipped.

Continue reading

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Follow The Zimmerman(n) Telegram From All Over the Place!

“I LOVE LOVE LOVE OHMYGOD LOVE The Zimmerman(n) Telegram, but I never know when a new post is up! I tried refreshing every second of the day, but then my finger fell off.”

It’s a common complaint that we get, and it’s time to address it once and for all. Sure, you can follow the blog through WordPress or on Google Reader, but don’t you want to check for new posts while you’re also looking at photos of an ugly acquaintance you don’t like with their weirdly lumpy boyfriend/girlfriend/child on a social media site? I know I do.

Here’s how to do it: just like us on Facebook at

Or! Follow us on Twitter at @TheZimTelegram.

You will surely be rewarded, in this life or the next. Or the next, but probably not the one after that.

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2012 Nationals Player Profile: Roger Bernadina

Roger Bernadina needs a deadlier nickname.

Roger Bernadina, through the efforts of some enterprising and right-thinking Nats fans, has earned the nickname “the Shark” or “Sharkadina” for his abilities at tracking down baseballs in the outfield and subsequently tearing them to shreds with his teeth. Sadly, however, Bernadina has yet to put together the breakout offensive season that many Nats fans have hoped for. The problem may be that while sharks seem dangerous, fatalities due to shark attacks are actually extremely rare. In fact, there is only an average of about one shark-related death in the U.S. per year.

In order to inspire Roger to greater fearsomeness and offensive productivity, it may be time to give him a nickname that’s really dangerous. There are many things that kill more people than sharks which Roger could be nicknamed after. Here are some possible nicknames, along with home run calls that could accompany them: Continue reading

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Twenty-Ninth Spring Training Game: Washington Nationals vs. Miami Marlungfish


Mound meetings with Mark Buehrle are often a frustrating endeavor without a farting-sound translator present.

The days of losing are officially over.

The Washington Nationals won their 4th straight game over 3 days today, beating the Miami Marlins 3-2. While some other reporters might be unwilling to admit it at this moment, I think it’s safe to say that the Nationals have moved past losing baseball games.

Detwiler turned in another solid showing, and Henry Rodriguez continued his scoreless dominance. I’ll even give it to Actual Pile of Waste Ian Desmond, who hit a first pitch home run to set the tone of the game. All is right in Natstown right now, and I can’t see being unhappy at any point this season.

It’s a weird feeling to know your team won’t ever lose again. But there’s a first time for everything. I’m just glad that the first time in this case is happening to us.


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Twenty-Eighth Spring Training Game: Washington Nationals (SS(X Tricky)) vs. Detroit Tiggers are Wonderful Things


The Nationals got lucky that they only have to see Balester's fearsome face in Spring Training.

You know what they say. Two heads are better than one. They also say 40 some odd heads are better than 25, as the two Nationals split squads made a clean sweep of the day. After beating the Braves earlier, the Nationals split squads continued to shine, beating the Tigers in the night game by a score 5-3. The Nationals have really turned it on late in Spring Training, which is good because honestly if they’re not turning things on it’s hard for me to stay into it the whole time. I mean after a while it becomes humping for no real reason.

The Nationals only made one offensive substitution the whole game, having catcher Sandy Leon replace Jesus Flores late. Flores was a little upset to be taken out of the game while all his teammates stayed in. Lets hope everything stays ok in the clubhouse, because Jesus does not like to be crossed.


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Nationals Sign Zach Duke


Duke expressing his excitement.

*Horn call*

The Duke has arrived! The Duke of Zachs, once the great ruler of the Pittsburgh Pirates’ mound, has been brought to Washington to rule over some place very far away from Washington. This Duke, unlike most dukes, will actually have very little power and acclaim, as he provides rotation depth in Syracuse, knowing that there is absolutely no spot for him on the big league team.

No matter how poorly he performs or how little the team thinks of him, he will still somehow hold a higher rank than all of the Marquises who have been on the Nationals.


This one would still come out on top in a beauty contest though.

*Horn call*

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