2012 Nationals Player Profile: Ian Desmond

Another failure for Ian Desmond

Ian Desmond sucks.

Oh, he didn’t always suck. Once upon a time Ian Desmond was just a high upside young shortstop with great power potential and dubious-but-probably-improvable defense. But that was Before.

No one knows the exact date that a sad, droopy-jowled man with poorly-applied red makeup, plastic horns and a nametag that read “Hello, my name is: The Suck Devil” approached Ian Desmond in the Nationals locker room. Most estimates place the event sometime around June 27, 2010, but that’s not important. What is important is that the Suck Devil offered Ian Desmond a deal: he would grant Ian Desmond his fondest wish, in exchange for infusing his soul with suck. 

Ian Desmond may not have sucked when he met the Suck Devil, but he was still stupid and a horrible negotiator. He got very flustered, and said, “Okay, I’ll do it! I wish for…NO MORE WISHES.” Then he grinned triumphantly for a full ten minutes, thinking he had outwitted the Suck Devil. He had not. By the time Ian Desmond realized this, the Suck Devil had long since gone back to whatever shitty place he came from.

Ian Desmond didn’t realize the magnitude of his error until June 28, when the Nationals were playing the Atlanta Braves. Stephen Strasburg, the Suck Devil’s eternal nemesis, was starting for the Nationals, and he held the Braves scoreless into the 7th inning, while Tim Hudson was similarly shutting out Washington. Strasburg then put runners on first and second with no one out, but only so he could have the fun of inducing a double-play groundball to shortstop. Little did he realize that he didn’t have a shortstop, but rather a walking Suck Incarnate standing where a shortstop should be. Ian Desmond spread his legs and practically begged the ball to pass through them, like one of those promiscuous women who want the government to pay for their birth control. The Suck Devil has ruined Stephen Strasburg’s night.

Since then, Ian Desmond has failed as much as possible while still retaining the ability to suck more for the Nationals. His OPS has declined from .879 in 2009 to .700 in 2010 to a really shitty .656 in 2011. He still sucks at fielding.

Perhaps it is possible to exorcise the suck demons from Ian Desmond’s soul. Probably not, though. The suck is too entwined with the very essence of Ian Desmond’s being. To speak of Ian Desmond is to speak of someone who sucks. He will live out the rest of his existence as a sucky person. Then he will die, and go to Suck Hell, where he will still suck but at least will be about average compared to everyone else there. So at least he has that to look forward to. There is no consolation for the rest of us.

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3 thoughts on “2012 Nationals Player Profile: Ian Desmond

  1. […] that justified every negative thing I’ve ever said about them. First Sean fucked. Then Ian sucked. I shall henceforth refer to these two unsavory individuals as the Fuck-Suck Duo. Coming soon to an […]

  2. […] for the virginal and unsuspecting  houses of Anaheim and Ian Desmond just not sucking as much as he used to, this team was lacking a primary target for my constantly simmering anger. But this? I didn’t […]

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