2012 Nationals Player Profile: Ross Detwiler


Ross Detwiler has worn this for seven years now. Weird thing is, only part of that time did he think he was a dog. For the first few years he had a weird fetish.

When Ross Detwiler first came up to the bigs, he was told he needed a nickname. Looking at his name, it’s not hard to come up with Rottweiler. Or rather Rotwiler, by removing “ss De.” Just think of it being spelled by someone with the mental capacity of a first grader or Sean Burnett. EDIT: Sorry for being redundant there.

So ever since Detwiler has been called Rotwiler, he’s developed a more fierce attitude on the mound, intimidating opponents with his “bite.” However he has also developed multiple habits that all point towards him thinking he is actually a dog. Below is a list of incidents since Detwiler has been on the Nationals that have left teammates concerned.

9/7/07: Rotwiler’s debut. After game, pees on carpet in locker room. Matt Chico yells at him and rubs Detwiler’s face in it, causing Detwiler to cower in the corner for a bit, and be sent down not long after.

5/28/09: Rotwiler is found sniffing the rear ends of multiple Nationals players and coaches, including a confused yet intrigued Marquis Grissom.

9/9/09: No Nationals pitcher can warm up in the bullpen since Detwiler keeps chasing the only ball they’re trying to throw with. This was after he chewed up and slobbered on every ball that Randy Knorr had out there.

2/18/10: Taken to the doctor for hip surgery, barks and freaks out the entire ride.

7/29/11: Only throws pitches if Pudge Rodriguez comes out and gives him a treat during mound meetings.

8/15/11: Attempts to have sex with a dog.

It is these events that are making many in Natstown concerned about Rotwiler. Hopefully he realizes that he is a pitcher and not a dog, for everyone’s sake but Marquis Grissom’s.

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6 thoughts on “2012 Nationals Player Profile: Ross Detwiler

  1. […] to be paying John Lannan $5 million to give Bryce Harper foot massages  in Syracuse while the Rotwiler slobbers all over the fifth starter’s job. It’s a shocking case of the Nats picking […]

  2. […] the game consisted of only Ross Detwiler. Ross Det-wily. Like a fox. Except he’s also like a dog. And dogs hunt foxes. So does Ross Detwiler hunt himself? Oh no. Don’t hunt yourself into […]

  3. […] Jordan Zimmermann is actually arguably the best of the Nationals starters based on some statistics, none of which Murray Chass is willing to mention between the mouthfuls of the shit he probably eats. Edwin Jackson has been a fine signing, building up his value so he may be purchased by the highest bidder next year. Something doesn’t seem right about that. At the backend, Ross Detwiler has been a very nice surprise. I guess finally cutting off his testicles made him a lot calmer and got rid of all those unwanted tendencies. […]

  4. […] New nickname to add to his pile of nicknames: the Rosselot (Sir Rosselot?). Is Ross more catlike or doglike? You […]

  5. […] for people who spend lots of money on high end breeds. So spending over 2 million dollars on a dog like Ross will be met with a lot of backlash. Sure I feel bad that there are so many poor dogs just sitting […]

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