No, that's not Eddie Guardado

The “Zimmerman” name has been in the news a lot lately in the form of George Zimmerman, the Florida police officer who shot and killed an unarmed young man named Trayvon Martin. Zimmerman has claimed that he acted in self-defense, presumably because he has a fatal allergy to high concentrations of melanin in nearby skin since that’s the only way that would make sense.

The Zimmerman(n) Telegram would like to state that it has no affiliation with George Zimmerman. While it is possible that George Zimmerman was extra-sensitive to the possibility of non-whites attacking him because of the historical connotations of his surname, that is fairly unlikely. He was probably just your average racist who’s ignorant about World War I.

To reiterate: we do not encourage the indiscriminate murder of black people. In fact, if Edwin Jackson walked up to me on the street wearing a hoodie and munching on some skittles, all he’d get would be a big, sloppy, rainbow-flavored kiss.

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