Monthly Archives: April 2012

All A-loney, James Leads Dodgers: Nats Shutout, Lose Series, Oh God


"If I can't see or hear the umpire, he can't call me out!" Jesus Flores' strategy did not work well.
(AP Photo/Chris Carlson)

Final Score: Dodgers 2, Nationals 0.

Dame of the Game:

Tyler Moore: 1-3. Yes, just 1-3. No National really showed themselves as being worthy of this award, so I’ll just give it to the guy making his debut. Moore picked up his first career hit, as well as the first of many slaps on the butt from Davey Johnson. “I hope I can get a lot more……………..a lot more………,” said Moore. When reporters attempted to confirm that he meant hits, Moore replied with “No, it’s more of a smack.”

Shame of the Game:

Bryce Harper: 1-3, 1 BB. While this is statistically better than Moore’s showing, I must make a point about Harper. We are winless in Bryce Harper’s entire big league career. He is clearly a cancer in this clubhouse and will burn the Nationals’ franchise to the ground if we do not take action quickly.

What can you say about today’s game? Not much, it was kind of a boring game.

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Hey, I Heard You Like the Wild Ones: Rodriguez Throws Game to the Backstop in 9th

If I took Tom Gorzelanny to face Matt Kemp, it'd be a home run.

Final Score: Dodgers 4, Nationals 3

Douchebag of the Game:

Bryce Harper: 1-3, 2B, RBI, 1 Awesome Throw. I just can’t bring myself to call Bryce Harper a “dame.” He really should get this award every game he plays, but I’ll only give it to him when he does something particularly noteworthy, like play pretty well in his debut or hand the pitcher a thank you note when he hits a home run.

Shame of the Game:

Henry Rodriguez: .2 IP, 2 ER, 3 H, 2 K, 3 Horribly Wild Throws. Brad Lidge’s physical form is gone, but he seems to have left his spirit behind. You must fight it, Henry Rodriguez. Banish that Brad Lidge essence within you to the save-blowing realm it came from.


I haven’t questioned much that Davey Johnson has done thus far this year. After all, there’s no point in second guessing managerial decisions when the team is winning games. But last night, Davey Johnson did a bad thing. Was it the worst thing he’s ever done in his life? Probably not. I don’t know how many people he’s killed, shops he’s lifted, treasons he’s committed, backs he’s stabbed, genocides he’s condoned. Perhaps hundreds. Perhaps thousands. But this thing that he did last night has to be up there among the very bad of the very worst. He let Tom Gorzelanny face Matt Kemp in a situation where if a home run happened, the Nationals would lose. A home run happened.

Now, this wasn’t a case of the best hitter in baseball facing the worst pitcher in baseball, but that’s only because Sean Burnett wasn’t available to pitch. The most apt analogy that comes to mind is an emperor setting up a gladiator duel between a retarded Christian baby with no knees and a pride of lions. Thumbs down, Davey Johnson. Continue reading

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Tyler Moore Called Up, Mark DeRosa to DL


Not the usual look for a ballplayer.

I hope you’re ready for a big Nationals debut today. No, I know Bryce Harper’s was last night, but there’s another one. Fine, you don’t care now that Harper’s up, I understand, but can I just talk about this debut. Trust me, it’ll excite you.

Tyler Moore is here!

That’s much less exciting than saying Bryce Harper is here, I’m sorry I wasted your time.

But really, Moore is being called up to replace the injured Mark DeRosa. He’s turned in a fantastic season in the minors, and will certainly be a valuable asset. I hope he has a great career that provides us with more material for jokes, because I’ve already used Mary Tyler Moore twice.

Best of luck, Tyler.

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Bryce Harper Is Here

"Look to my coming at last light on Saturday. At 9:10 pm Eastern Time, look to the West."

They say it’s always darkest before the dawn. And it’s probably a good thing if a two-game losing streak counts as “darkest.”

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HandKershaw Wipes Away Mucus-y Nationals as Dodgers Take Series Opener

"Ohhhhhhhh yeah, time to lick off some SWEET HAND JUICE. mmmmmmmmmm SO GOOD." -Clayton Kershaw
(Photo by Harry How/Getty Images)

Final Score: Dodgers 3, Nationals 2

Dame of the Game:

Adam LaRoche: 2-4, HR, 2 RBI, R, K. Adam LaRoche is the only one on the Nationals who remembers what to do with his large wooden club, which makes the rest of the Nats offense dumber than cavemen.

Shame of the Game:

Mark DeRosa: 0-4. Mark DeRosa is slugging .081. There should probably be a less positive-sounding word for that total bases/at bats average for people under .100. ¬†Like “whimpering.” Mark DeRosa is whimpering .081.


Ashes swirl over the battlefield. What was once a pristine field of grass and clay is now blackened and barren. The place reeks of charred flesh and death. Mike Rizzo, astride his trusty warhorse, surveys the carnage and grimaces.

The Nationals forces had made great advances in the early stages of the battle, fighting back the forces of Evil. Rizzo’s right flank, the Starting Pitchers, had been particularly successful, carving huge swaths in the enemy’s ranks and gaining valuable strategic territory. But after these quick victories, the enemy adapted. They sensed a weakness in the Washington army. The left flank–the Offense–was wavering. And this enemy was hungry for weakness.

The demonic horde pounced, and the flank’s collapse was precipitous. Adam LaRoche did his best to stave them off, waving his gleaming lumber like a man possessed, felling any enemy who came near. But he was not enough. Ian Desmond was actually possessed–after fighting reasonably well for a while, his eyes suddenly rolled back in his head and he turned around and punched a more-confused-than-normal Tom Gorzelanny in the neck. All around them, the lines were crumbling. First Michael Morse fell, an arrow protruding from his lat. Then Ryan Zimmerman, an axeblade jutting from his shoulder, crumpled to the ground. “You must…go on…without me…” he whispered, before his eyes glazed over. In the Bullpen center, Brad Lidge was randomly struck by a lightning bolt despite the fact that it was sunny. Weird. Continue reading

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Ryan Perry Called Up, Lidge to DL


Ryan Perry either likes gum or is not a healthy man.

Ryan Perry was called up to replace the injured Brad Lidge. While Perry is not that great a pitcher, meaning we might have to deal with Brad Lidge as soon as he’s ready to come back, I think I speak for everyone in Natstown when I say GOHSIGGOHSSOIENOBUWOUABWOUNAUSM!!!!



I really do pride myself on my calm demeanor. Really.

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Bryce Harper Called Up, Zimmerman to DL


His natural aura. Very distracting for pitchers.

Bryce Harper was called up to replace the injured Ryan Zimmerman. While Zimmerman is eligible to return on May 6th, meaning Harper’s time on the team might be short lived, I think I speak for everyone in Natstown when I say GOHSIGGOHSSOIENOBUWOUABWOUNAUSM!!!!



I pride myself on my calm demeanor.

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We Made Them Get The Belt: Padres Beat Young Nats Team


Jason Bartlett has seen things you would never believe.
(AP Photo/Lenny Ignelzi)

Final Score: Padres 2, Nationals 1.

Dame of the Game:

Edwin Jackson: 6.2 IP, 6 H, 3 BB, 6 K, 0 R. If there’s one thing Edwin Jackson likes doing, it’s pitching very very well. If there’s two things Edwin Jackson likes doing, it’s pitching very very well and stealing his teammates’ shoes. Thank goodness he was having such a fun time with the first one, the second one just turns out to be very inconvenient when it happens.

Shame of the Game:

Tyler Clippard: Loss, Blown Save, 1 IP, 2 H, 2 BB, 2 ER, 2 K. The Ty-Clip has come undone, as the Nationals looked quite messy. I do not expect that we will get a second interview based on our appearance, despite the impressive resume.

Another day, another Nationals victory. End of post.




We lost? I guess I had just forgotten that was possible, having not done it for a week. Being a first place team really gets to your head… Should I return these Nationals 2012 World Champions banners? Oh, shucks. I guess I should get this championship tattoo removed too, huh? I never ever thought it could end so hilariously horribly. Well, I guess losses just come with playing baseball. Part of the game.

…What do you mean we lost to the Padres?

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Welcome to my Zimmermannsion: Nats Beat Up Padres, Don’t Confess Sins

"Don't miss the antique Zimmermanntelpiece and my pet Zimmermannatee in the pool out back."

Final Score: Nationals 7, Padres 2

Dame of the Game:

Jordan Zimmermann: 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 H, 0 BB, 6 K, 1-2, RBI, Win. DAMNIT DAVEY JOHNSON. You ruined Jordan Zimmermann’s hobby. He was all ready to pitch 7 innings and give up 1 run again, but you pinch hit for him in the top of the seventh. You’re like a dad whose son only wants MLB Showdown cards for his birthday but instead you get him Bratz Fashion Party Fever cards. What a bad father.

Shame of the Game:

Tom Gorzelanny: 3 IP, 1 ER, 3 H, 1 K, Save. He did fine, he just looked shamefully ugly while doing it.


The Nationals won again tonight. They are now 14-4, also known as 10 games over .500. 10 games over .500! I never thought I’d live to see the day. Yet here I am, even very close to death as far as I can tell. I’m actually very upset about it, because I made a number of promises to people of things that I’d only do once the Nationals were 10 games over .500. For instance, I once told my told my dentist that I’d brush my teeth when the Nats were 10 games over .500. It’s a shame really, they were getting such a lovely hue of yellowish swampgreen. I also told a Scientologist on a street corner that I’d join his church when the Nats were 10 games over .500…guess it’s time to dust off my copy of Battlefield: Earth and start standing tall. And I think I told a homeless man that I’d give him all my material possessions and give myself to Antonin Scalia as a sex slave if the Nats…wait. Why did I do that? Fuck. I probably should have gone with flying pigs or frozen hells or something. Continue reading

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