2012 Nationals Player Profiles: Brett Carroll/Chad Durbin/Chad Tracy/Ryan Mattheus

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Brad Tracheus, Nationals superstar.

As we noted yesterday, time for our player profiles is running out. The season begins on Thursday for the Nationals, but there are many more players to do profiles for that look to be making the Nationals’ roster. With our final two profiles set for the next two days reserved for some special players, we are faced with a tough choice.

As of now, it looks like Brett Carroll and Chad Tracy are going to make the team, while there is a competition between Chad Durbin and Ryan Mattheus for the last bullpen spot. Rather than choose one of these players to do today, I figured it made sense to combine all these players into one profile. So here we go.

Brad Tracheus is 122 years old. Not since the olden days have we seen a player capable of playing the infield, outfield and also able to pitch. Yet in Tracheus we have one. We also have a monstrosity of a man with 8 arms.

Born in California…or Illinois…or North Carolina…or Tennessee…Tracheus’ parents weren’t sure which state to put on his birth certificate. Because of his questionable origins, Tracheus always hated states, and logically settled in Washington D.C. to play with the Nationals.

Nobody likes showering in the locker room with Tracheus. It is a frightening sight.

To honor Tracheus, the Nationals will be offering free tracheotomies to all fans on Opening Day.

It’s sad to think that when the Nationals make their final roster cuts, that only 3/4 of Tracheus will make the team. But honestly, he could probably do good with less mass. The Nationals used up most of their jersey fabric covering Livan Hernandez last year, so the smaller the better.

The parts of Tracheus that are making the team are only doing so due to injuries to more established players. Once Ankiel, Morse and Storen come back, all that remains of Tracheus will sadly have to fade away into the shadows of Triple-A. We can only hope that the world and the Nationals can continue on without this mass of baseball talent, with 27 years of baseball experience and a 6.8 career WAR.

Wait…a 0.25 avg. WAR? Oh god. Rick, Mike, Drew, please come back.

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2 thoughts on “2012 Nationals Player Profiles: Brett Carroll/Chad Durbin/Chad Tracy/Ryan Mattheus

  1. […] is happening? Just when you thought the only roster decisions left to be made were which slice of Brad Tracheus to discard, the Nationals are going to have a new five starter. As Adam Kilgore reported, the […]

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