ROSSTAFARIANISM: Detwiler Pitches Five Shutout as Nats Put Mets in Place

Danny Espinosa forgets he's wearing a glove and tries to field the ball with his back instead.

Final Score: Nationals 6, Mets 2.

Dame of the Game:

Ross Detwiler: 5 IP, 0 R, 2H, 1 BB, 6 K. Detwiler took advantage of the opportunity given to him, shutting down the Mets over five innings. When told after the game that next start he’s going to be stretched out, Detwiler went wide-eyed and started screaming “No! Not the rack! I’d rather kiss Tom Gorzelanny on the lips or die!” No one bothered to correct his misunderstanding.

Shame of the Game:

Daniel Murphy: 0-4, 2 K, 4 LOB, 1 Really Embarrassing Error. I mean, there’s a reason there’s a whole law named after him.

Somewhere in Syracuse, John Lannan’s slumping shoulders slumped a little further.

It was bad enough when the Nationals stole his fifth starter’s job and demoted him to AAA. After that happened Lannan just went to a local bar, ordered 10 virgin margaritas, tried and failed to cheat on his girlfriend, went home, cried into his Cry Bucket (labeled John Lannan’s Cry Bucket in case he loses it), and passed out. It was more bad when he got shelled for 5 runs in 2 innings in his first start for the Chiefs. That night, he just sat on his bed and watched an ant slowly crawl across his carpet for four hours until it died. Still worse, the Nationals don’t seem to have any interest in trading or consoling or feeding John Lannan. Sad.

John Lannan’s existence status went from “awful” to “miserable” tonight, as his replacement, Ross Detwiler, threw the kind of masterful five inning performance that John Lannan can only dream of dreaming of. But enough about sadness. Tonight was a good win for the Nats, as they partially restored order to the universe by making Mets fans sad. Oh, sadness, that reminds me of John Lannan. John Lannan was so sad after watching tonight’s game that he had to move to the bathtub because his Cry Bucket was overflowing and ruining his fake Persian rug that he thinks is real. So sad.

Okay, back to the game. Jayson Werth had his first good offensive game of the year, going 4-5 with 2 RBI. I’d say that he’s “Werth his salt,” but Jayson actually has an extremely valuable rare salt collection that is worth far more than the wins he has given the Nats. I know he’d be very upset if I denigrated the value of his salt collection. Speaking of very upset, John Lannan just got a tattoo on his stomach of his own face frowning. So, so sad.

Brad Lidge sacrificed John Lannan’s pet hamster that he forgot in the clubhouse before the game, and as a result the gods allowed him to not blow a four run lead in the bottom of the ninth.

Oh look. The Guinness Book of World Records just showed up at John Lannan’s house to give him plaque for “Slumpiest Shoulders in the World.” Maybe that’ll cheer him up.

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