Gio-Thermal Energy: An Efficient, Environmentally-Friendly Alternative to Oil, Coal, and Tom Gorzelanny

It was a lovely day for ruining the days of Phillies fans.

Final Score: Nationals 7, Phillies 1

Dame of the Game:

Jayson Werth: 2-4, HR, 3 RBI, 2 R, K. Gio was awesome, but Werth did the most satisfying thing of the day: hitting a three run homer of Vance Worley that cut off the tongues (figuratively, sadly) of the Phillies fans who had been taunting him all game. Speaking of which,

Shame of the Game:

Phillies fans. During the offseason, it’s easy to think to yourself “You know, Phillies fans are people too. They have spouses and children and and beer that they love just as much as the rest of us. I’m sure they’re all basically good at heart and I’ve just exaggerated how terrible they are in my mind.” Then you see a particularly loud, obnoxious and drunk one shoving a “CB South” sign in your face and you remember that some stereotypes are true.


The Zimmerman(n) Telegram was back for more Natitude[sic] Park this afternoon, so I hope you’re ready for another photo-based game summary. Cause here it comes, hot, steaming and in colorful.

After last night’s toenail biter (we ran out of fingernails by the 10th), today’s game was like receiving a massage while watching a beautiful sunset. In this metaphor, it was Jayson Werth, Chad Tracy and Ian Desmond’s powerful hands that kneaded my muscles with home runs while Gio Gonzalez’s smiling head sank slowly below the horizon, leaving a National-red hue in its wake.  Today’s game could hardly have been pleasanter…except for one extremely upsetting event.

See that unstoppable freight train of a President out by the Nationals bullpen? That’s Teddy Roosevelt. He could have rolled to the finish line from there and still won.

It was a big game against the rival Phillies in a highly-promoted series, so the possibility of a Teddy victory seemed at least plausible. Teddy got out to a huge lead and looked like the rough-riding Teddy of his youth. But then, disaster: Teddy stopped to look at a fan’s flattering sign while the other Presidents passed him by. VANITY DOESN’T WIN CHAMPIONSHIPS, TEDDY.

Jonathan Papelbon instructs his fellow bullpen-mates on the fine art of being a terrible human being

Ryan Mattheus put the Phillies out of their misery, and the Nationals won the game and guaranteed a series victory. The “W E L C O M E  T O  C I T I Z E N S  B A N K  S O U T H” people a few rows behind us had long since left, leaving only one formerly-boisterous man holding an orphaned “Z” and staring forlornly as his dreams shattered on the field. Yay! A sight for sore Nats fans’  eyes.

To conclude, a pair of postgame photos:

Some happy people who deserve it and some sad people who also deserve that.


Note the crumpled beer can in the bottom right of this deserted Philly bullpen. It was presumably consumed by Jonathan Papelbon while he longed for the days when his entire team drank alcohol and lost.

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One thought on “Gio-Thermal Energy: An Efficient, Environmentally-Friendly Alternative to Oil, Coal, and Tom Gorzelanny

  1. […] ability to pitch effectively in extreme heat is surprising only until you remember that he is constantly giving off energy he channels from the earth’s hot magma […]

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