Wolf Blitzer Inspires Nats to Walk-Off Win Over Phillies in Series Opener

Wilson Ramos magically turned himself into an airplane after his game-winning hit, to the delight of the crowd and teammates alike. Sadly, Ramos has never been to flight school, and quickly crashed in a horrific fireball. There were no casualties of note. R.I.P. Danny Espinosa. (AP Photo/Richard Lipski)

Finale Score: Nationals 4, Phillies 3

Dame of the Game: 

Joe West’s Illness. Tonight’s game was played with only three umpires, as Joe West had an “illness.” This benefited the Nats several times, including a Carlos Ruiz groundball down the third base line called foul that was probably fair and a Shane Victorino caught stealing at third where he was probably safe. So thank you, nameless virus and/or bacteria that wormed your way into Joe West’s body and caused him such misery that he couldn’t umpire tonight’s game. We couldn’t have done it without you.

Shame of the Game:

The remaining three umpires. Admittedly they were handicapped by not having an umpire at every base, but they still didn’t have to be so abysmal. The umpiring failures hurt both teams at various points in the game, so neither Phillies nor Nats fans can feel too slighted. In fact fans of both sides can join together in condemnation of these terrible umpires who deserve to be ridiculed every time they do anything for the rest of their lives. What a lovely fantasy of hateful brotherhood that is.

———

The time was finally here. It was time to take back the park. Our first series vs. the Phillies this season at home, one that the team had been building up to for weeks, was set to take place. With thousands of Nats fans expected to turn out it was clear that this series was going to be one of the most exciting ones in Nationals Park’s history. I am just thrilled that us here at The Zimmerman(n) Telegram were to be witness to such a historic event.

Hopefully they’ll “Ignite their Natitude Park” sign after this series. It is truly horrific and deserves to be incinerated.

Oh they ruined it. So many things were covered in the word “Natitude.” The ballpark was renamed, it was plastered all over the video screen, even food was renamed in a spirited manner, leading to some confusion and multiple peanut allergy reactions/deaths when purchasing “Nutitudes.”

Despite the strange obsession with this term, the atmosphere was electric. People were excited, the players were ready to go, everyone was prepared for a thrilling series. There was nothing that could change this feeling in the air.

Big Brother Wolf Blitzer is watching you. And the Nats.

Oh they ruined it. There was nothing I had ever seen quite like Wolf Blitzer’s pre-game interview on the big screen. Airing just a little while before game time, this video reminded me just how exciting and insightful Wolf Blitzer is. In that he really really is not. He turned out two gems in just a short time.

“The crowd goes crazy. It’s the bottom of the 8th and no one knows what’s going on.” Well I have no idea what’s going on, but I was pretty sure this was airing before the game.

“People are talking about the Nats…WOW it’s powerful…Even that other league, the American League…could be some good rivalries there.” Could be, Wolf. Could be.

Wolf’s strange pre-game rallying aside, I felt something special was going to happen when the game actually started. These were two teams, in the midst of a heated rivalry over our home turf. Tensions were high and the game was going to be quite the spectacle. I was really looking forward to what was to come.

George Washington wins the most boring President’s Race ever, an honor that would have more appropriately gone Benjamin Harrison.

OH THEY TOTALLY RUINED IT. What a boring President’s Race. Honestly, for such a big game this was one of the worst things that has ever happened in history. A clean win by George Washington is something that they thought would get the crowd going? If you want Nats fans coming up to defend “our park,” you need to promise an exciting President’s Race. Shoot Teddy in the chest before he even begins, present Jefferson with a distracting selection of black females, promise the winner play tickets and see to it Abe wins. Something to create intrigue would be really nice.

When Tom Gorzelanny entered the game, we shut our eyes and hoped for the best. Not because we couldn’t stand the suspense, but because we couldn’t stand looking at Tom Gorzelanny’s misshapen excuse for a face.

OH MY GOD THEY RUINED EVERYTHING BEAUTIFUL IN THE WORLD. Really, Nationals? You invited the whole city of D.C. to come out to this game, and then you gave them Tom Gorzelanny? What a way to treat your fans. At least Tom Gorzelanny got out of his inning without giving up any runs because Joe West was too busy vomiting up his vital organs to notice that Shane Victorino was safe.

Aside from the untimely Gorzeling, the game itself was shaping up to be a pretty exciting one. Tie game, bottom of the ninth, Bryce Harper up, the whole crowd chanting “LET’S GO BRYCE.” What could go wrong there? Oh right, Bryce Harper can strike out. The disappointing icing on this disappointing cake of an event.

That flag is actually covering up several Nationals who decided that removing their pants and undergarments was the best way to celebrate. We would normally be fine showing you that except that Davey Johnson was among them, and that’s not a Johnson fit for the eyes of man or beast.

Wilson Ramos ruined the ruining. Bases loaded, two outs, bottom of the 11th, the black shadow of a possible Sean Burnett appearance beginning to loom over the field. But he did it! In a game that was practically kidnapped by terrible management by the entire Nationals organization, Wilson Ramos came to the rescue. Sweet irony.

Day one of the “Our Park” series was a success. But there is still much of our park that we need to continue to defend. Mostly from Phillies fans, but also from the strange mole people that made their way in through the sewer system. I think they think Tom Gorzelanny is their king or something.

We thank all of you who took the time to try and look for us today at the game, without knowing what we look like. If you saw the sign below, then you probably saw us.

Taken before the sign was shot multiple times, dragged through the streets and dipped in an icy cold river.

Look for us at Saturday’s Nationals-Phillies game, where we’ll be sitting in section 103, row K, out in left field. We will be bringing the sign below:

Gio’s magnificent smile is similar to lava in that it can melt your heart.

Fuck coal.

This post was a collaborative effort by Neptooth and The Giology Professor. Lest anyone be accused of high plagiarism.

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