Take Back the Park: A Manifesto

A specter is haunting Nationals Park. For many years, this specter has suffused the air over Navy Yard, seeping into every crack in the concrete, every blade of outfield grass, every droplet of already-filthy Potomac water, every pore of the skin of every resident of Southeast Washingon, DC. Nationals fans have suffered under this yoke, struggling to show the even faintest hint of Nationals pride in the face of the blackness. You know the specter of which I speak. It is Philadelphia Phillies and their fans.

The Nationals had barely settled into their new home of Washington, DC when the inphidels arrived. Imagine the scene: a wholesome, innocent family of Nats fans goes to Nationals Park, hoping to take in a Nats-Phillies game. But as they walk through the gates, they are greeted not with the smiling faces of fellow Nats fans but with the leering glares of something far more horrible. These monstrous creatures wear red–not the red of patriotic Nationalsism  but the scarlet red of a bloodthirsty horde. The young daughter of the family asks, terrified, “Daddy…who are they?” The bloods has drained from her father’s face. “They are…Phillies fans.” He gathers his family and escorts them swiftly out of the stadium. The Nationals are left to play in front of a mob of hateful foreigners in their own ballpark.

Nationals fans, this oppression has gone on for far too long. For too many summers, our city has been forced to endure the occpation of a foreign power. For too many seasons, we have suffered the indignity of being referred to by the denizens of Philadelphia as “Citizens Bank South.” For too many series, our boys have fallen in defeat, abandoned by their fans and left to the mercy of our merciless overlords. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! The time has come to shatter the chains that bind us. To take the fight back to the City of Brotherly Hate and reclaim our homeland. To Take Back the Park.

The Nationals organization began the Take Back the Park campaign to encourage Nats fans to attend Nats-Phillies games, but this plan by itself is not enough. As we have seen in the first two games of this weekend’s series, Phillies fans still pollute Nationals Park with their toxic phumes. Nationals fans must take this struggle into their own hands. We must make the Phillies fans feel extremely unwelcome at Nationals Park.

As a peace-loving people, we must not resort to overt violence. We don’t want to stoop to their level; after all, Washington would never occupy a foreign nation. But if you’re going to tonight’s game or any Nats-Phillies home games in the future, here are some peaceful(ish) ways that you can take part in the Nat-surgency (with helpful abbreviations so you can easily tell other Nats fans what tactics you’re using):

  • See some Phillies fans in the row in front of you? Why not use some Rudely Placed Gossips (RPGs) to make loud, insulting comments about their hair, neck and children?
  • Can’t stand that Phillies fan walking past yelling “Chooooooooch” when Carlos Ruiz comes to bat? Why not present them with a lovely gift of an Itchy, Eggy Diaper (IED) on their head?
  • Oh no, you’ve found someone with a Papelbon jersey. They’ve gone too far. Why not render that jersey unwearable using forty-seven packets of Actual Ketchup (AK-47)?
  • Feel like planning ahead? Why not eat some poisonous meat before gametime then give every Phillies fan you see a sloppy tongue kiss, so that they’ll walk away with a Weird Mouth Disease (WMD)? Note: this tactic is for advanced and highly dedicated Nat-surgents only. The kisses are worse than the poison.
The future of the National Nation is in your hands. Will you fight for your freedom, or wallow in slavery? The choice is clear.
Nationals fans of the world, unite!
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One thought on “Take Back the Park: A Manifesto

  1. […] that makes any sense. I mean, I grant that I have not always…gone out of my way to be nice to them. But is that really reason enough to do things just to spite me? I warn you, Phillies, […]

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