Harper Steals Home, Others Steal Smiles as Nats Lose Bad Finale

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The Nationals celebrate Harper stealing home, interrupting a sad Steve McCatty’s story about his fishing trip. (Photo by Greg Fiume/Getty Images)

Final Score: Phillies 9, Nationals 3.

Dame of the Game:

Bryce Harper: 2-3, 1 R, 1 2B, 1 HBP, 1 SB (Home). There are normal men, and then there is Bryce Harper. What? He’s not a woman? I thought with all that makeup…Oh that was eye black? Ok. Well, Harper may be a man, but he’s a much better one than pretty much everyone else. He made a bloop to left into a double, a pickoff to first into a steal of home, and my feelings about my own success much sadder than they already were.

Shame of the Game:

Ryan Perry: .2 IP, 5 H, 1 BB, 6 ER. On a day where Gorzelanny and Burnett pitched, it’s strange that someone else could take this award. But Perry succeeded. Most of the team was doing poorly the whole game, but Perry put the game out of reach in the 9th with this bad bad job. Since the Perry was so unsuccessful, the Nationals failed to riposte in the bottom of the inning.

The only thing Nationals fans will be using their brooms for tonight is to clean up after their fat uncle who eats too much and is very uncoordinated. The “Our Park” series came to a horrific conclusion as the Nationals were overwhelmed in tonight’s game. This game was pretty poor anyway you look at it; you would never think that a baseball game would bear such a striking resemblance to Lenny Dykstra.

It was a strangely poor showing for the pitching and a normal poor showing for the offense. Zimmermann had his worst start of the season, 3 ER and 11 baserunners in 6 IP, proving that either quality starts are a flawed statistic or the definition of the word “quality” has changed. Stammen and Burnett successfully kept the game close until Perry ruined the world with a bad showing, and Gorzelanny ruined the world by making it seem like beauty was dead.

While the entire Nationals team came out of this game looking like they couldn’t even hold the Phillies’ jocks, Jayson Werth actually couldn’t hold the Phillies’ jocks, breaking his wrist while making a diving catch. A day after a cathartic go-ahead home run against his old team, Werth continued to purge, this time ridding the Nationals of a cleanup hitter for at least 6 weeks. Kinda went the wrong way that time, didn’t ya Jayson?

Cole Hamels admitted to throwing at Bryce Harper when he hit him in the first inning. While Bryce retaliated on the field by stealing home, he did the same thing off the field by convincing Cole’s wife to divorce Cole and marry him while taking the house, children, and Cole’s collection of porcelain dolls with her. Bryce has always done things off the field the same way he’s done them on the field. In fact the first time he kissed a girl, he ended up losing his virginity, thanks to just some extra hustle.

With tonight’s game the “Our Park” series comes to a close. Natitude Park will (hopefully) become Nationals Park again and Phillies fans will go far far away. The one thing I’m expecting to change though is Teddy’s chances to win the President’s Race will multiply by a very large number. After a day off, the Nationals will play the Pirates Tuesday night at 7. While the Pirates are too poor a franchise to really buy many wins, I would worry about them stealing one from us.

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