With Little Help From My “Friends”: Zimmermann Gets By Despite No Support

This impromptu game of Patty Cake between Henry Rodriguez and Jesus Flores really disrupted the drama of the bottom of the 9th.

Dame of the Game: Jordan Zimmermann: 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 H, 1 BB, 9 K. One day Zimmermann’s collection of 7 innings, 1 run performances is going to be worth a lot of money, assuming his parents don’t throw it out.

Shame of the Game: Bryce Harper: 0-4, K, 5 LOB. It is a time-honored baseball tradition that the best way to break a slump is to hit yourself in the face with a bat. Surprisingly, this did not work for Bryce Harper.


For one inning, Jordan Zimmermann thought he had a friend on the Nationals. Someone who didn’t hate him so much that he would deprive him of any run support and the chance to get a win. Wilson Ramos, Jordan’s catcher, hit a home run in the top of the 5th to support his pitcher. Jordan couldn’t wait to run home to his parents and tell them that he made a new friend. No sooner had Jordan walked to the mound feeling for the first time a sense of being liked than his new friend tore his ACL. The moral of the story is clear: no one one should ever befriend Jordan Zimmermann or else you’ll get horribly injured. 

Zimmermann would keep pitching well in spite of his renewed social isolation, handing the ball to the Nationals bullpen with a lead. Tyler Clippard and Henry Rodriguez secured the victory, though Rodriguez was the more impressive of the two, as he struck out the side on 10 pitches to get the save. The “Oh Henry!” cries that echoed throughout the nation’s capital were not those of frustrations and anger but rather of simultaneous ejaculations. The janitorial staff in Congress had to work extra late last night.

Prior to the game, some enterprising Nationals marketers hung giant banners over Great American Ball Park that read “CinciNatitude Park.” Fortunately the banners were quickly removed and the marketers sentenced to life in prison.

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One thought on “With Little Help From My “Friends”: Zimmermann Gets By Despite No Support

  1. […] inability to convince his teammates to give him run support has been well documented by us and everyone else. Well, this is why Jordan Zimmermann can’t have nice things. Despite being […]

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