Final Score: Orioles 2, Nationals 1
Dame of the Game:
Edwin Jackson: 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 H, 1 BB, 8 K. 8 innings, 8 strikeouts, 8 wives, or at least he deserves that many after this game.
Shame of the Game:
Ryan Mattheus: 1 IP, 1 ER, 1 HR, 1 H, Loss. Mattheus coughed up the game winner like a disgusting ball of orange phlegm, feathers and a hint of crab cakes.
The storyline of this first Battle of the Beltway of 2012 was clear: whenever Baltimore and Washington have played each other in the past, they have both been miserable excuses for baseball teams. Watching these events used to be roughly as uncomfortable as watching sumo wrestling at the paralympics. But this year, both teams came into the the series at or near the top of their respective divisions. For those of you who don’t fully understand how awful the Nationals and Orioles were, this turn of events is about as drastic as if the two greatest world economic powers suddenly became Greece and Afghanistan. Whereas in the past watching the Nats and O’s would either make you want to loan them huge sums of money out of pity or invade them out of anger, now they make you want to celebrate by eating gyros and smoking opium.
The series opener lived up to the hype, if one can ever call people talking about a game between the Nationals and Orioles “hype.” It was a tense affair characterized by superb pitching, lackluster hitting, questionable judgment from Bryce Harper, and a constant state of deja vu for all Nationals fans. Nick Markakis hit tie-breaking home run in the 11th, and stood there watching it for so long that one might have thought that he saw his wife cheating on him with Medusa in the right field stands. But no, he’s just a dick.
Though Washington was worse than Baltimore in this game, Nationals fans can take solace in the fact that their city is pretty good while Baltimore is in fact a cesspit of crime and decay. Speaking of decay, the Orioles record has the whole rest of the season to do just that.