Strasputin Has an Enormous Penis: Potent Nationals Offense Salvages Last Game of Series

Stephen Strasburg found Bryce Harper’s congratulatory gesture to be a bit forward. (Photo by Greg Fiume/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 9, Orioles 3

Dame of the Game:

Stephen Strasburg: 5 IP, 3 R, 1 ER, 4 H, 1 BB, 8 K; 2-2, HR, 2 R, RBI. At the conclusion of today’s game, Stephen Strasburg had the highest on-base percentage and slugging percentage of anyone in the Nationals lineup…except Tom Gorzelanny. That would be a funny joke if it weren’t so frighteningly true.

Shame of the Game:

Wei-Yin Chen: 4.1 IP, 8 H, 6 ER, 3 BB, 5 K. The shame of this performance will surely wei on him.

——

It’s always a special event when a pitcher hits a home run. There’s something thrilling about watching someone succeed at something they’re supposed to be very bad at, like watching Tom Gorzelanny talk to a woman without her running away crying. Humanity came up with division of labor for a reason and it has served us pretty well, but the rules of the National League usually require some inefficiency in a batting lineup. Somehow, Stephen Stasburg has managed to render this potential inefficiency irrelevant, since he would probably be the Nationals’ DH if they were allowed to have one. If early humans had been as skilled at everything as Strasburg is, civilizations would have been unnecessary and we’d still be living in a state of nature, throwing 100 mph rocks at deer all day. While that sounds fun, civilization has produced a lot of great things, most notably baseball. The last time I read my Hobbes and Rousseau there was no mention of baseball in the state of nature. So I guess it’s probably for the best that we only have one Strasburg-Leviathan.

But you didn’t click on this post for my philosophical musings. You clicked on it for a picture of Strasputin’s enormous penis, so here it is:

Except it probably doesn’t look like it was preserved for a century in formaldehyde

Many other Nationals produced similar displays of figurative phallic fortitude in the win, but DC’s Greatest Love Machine rose head and shaft above the rest. Hopefully the Nats will continue to let their phalluses fly in Philly tonight.

NOTE: Due to some people not understanding where exactly the penis in that picture comes from, let me reassure you that it is a picture of Grigori Rasputin’s actual (maybe) penis, preserved in a jar in a St. Petersburg museum.

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One thought on “Strasputin Has an Enormous Penis: Potent Nationals Offense Salvages Last Game of Series

  1. […] weeks. First he was beset by (goodness, gracious) Great Balls of Fire, then they grew to such a disproportionately grandiose size that his arm suffered some undue strain. But everything was fine in the ace’s very […]

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