Phillies Bluntly Smoked by Gio: Nats Win by a Margin, Thin

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“Is that a lucky penny!?!?!?” (AP Photo/Matt Slocum)

Final Score: Nationals 2, Phillies 1.

Dame of the Game:

Gio Gonzalez: Win, 6 IP, 3 H, 3 BB, 0 R, 9 K. With tonight’s performance, Gio takes over the league lead with 69 strikeouts. Ha. Justin Verlander is in second with 68. Ha. (For those of you who don’t know, a 68 is a sexual act done primarily in Slovenia, where the man places his foot in a bowl of broth and smiles while the woman glares and condemns him.)

Shame of the Game:

Henry Rodriguez: .1 IP, 1 H, 1 BB, 1 ER, 2 WP. Wild Thing…you make my heart sting…you make everything…horrifying.

There’s no better way to break in a new ballpark than with a win. That’s just what the Nats did today by taking the first game in Nationals Park North. Today was the first Nationals-Phillies game in Philadelphia where I felt comfortable enough in our team to openly mock the opponent, as opposed to crying in a heap in the corner while Ryan Howard does horrible things. I feel that many fans feel the same way, so let’s bring our voice up to Philadelphia. Let’s turn the Phillies mockery of us on them and claim their park as our own. Huh, what’s that? Oh it is in Philadelphia, that’s a good point. On second though, let’s just let them have it. It’s probably flooded with vomit, cheese whiz, and a great deal of insecurities anyway.

Ian Desmond is not a leader. He’s let countless boy scouts to their deaths on hikes, is solely responsible for the collapse of the USSR, but worst of all has done a bad job as the Nats’ leadoff hitter. Yesterday he was dropped to fifth in the order, a place that he seems much more comfortable. With a home run and RBI single today, Desmond has a .889 OPS in two games out of the five hole. He is clearly a talented mimic. Rather than setting the tone for the game, he can watch Harper, Zim and LaRoche ahead of him and copy what they do. This is a winning formula for the Nationals on the field, but is starting to become a little strange off of it. He’s begun smearing eye black all over his face, torso and genitals to try and be like Bryce. He’s demanding outrageous sums of money in an effort to be like Zimmerman. And he’s reading this paragraph but having a lot of trouble maintaining his focus just like LaRoche. People need to tell him that being himself off the field is OK, so that we don’t end up seeing this on the field someday:

Henry Rodriguez was so wild again tonight in his effort to close out the game that Davey Johnson has suggested that other options will be considered. Maybe Rodriguez is just trying to get out of such a big responsibility. It’s like having the late shift at work and needing to close up shop. It can be annoying to be the last one there, responsible for making sure everything closes up correctly. Rodriguez simply wants a job that can get him out of there after maybe the 6th or 7th, so he can go to that thing with his friends and such. Henry’s mindset all goes back to the advice of his father, “Don’t ever strive.” His father died of complications from obesity.

This series continues Tuesday night, as the Nationals look for their second straight series win against their rivals. It’s a Halladay, so maybe the Phillies will play poorly, thinking they deserve the day off. Like they’ve been doing all season.

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