Nats Explore the Hudson, Discover Runs, Kill Natives

“Ahhhhh, this is relaxing” (Photo by Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 7, Braves 4

Dame of the Game:

Chien-Ming Wang: 3 IP, 1 ER, 3 H, Win. Okay, so he allowed two inherited runners to score and let Jayson Heyward have his way with him, but he got a win in his 2012 debut! Chien-Ming Wang: 1-0. A sight for Wangless eyes.

Shame of the Game:

Chien-Ming Wang: But, he also cheated on his wife. He must be punished for his immorality, and what better punishment than a Shame of the Game? Once he has accepted this just penance, he will be absolved of his crime in the eyes of me, God, and presumably his wife.

——-

The Nationals played their first game against their biggest divisional rivals last night, the Atlanta Braves. Atlanta fought bravely, but even great courage was no match for the superior skill exhibited by the Nats, and the Braves found themselves with no win and no scalps.

It was a big day for Rick “Santorum” Ankiel, who got his Game On and went 2-4 with a triple, 2 RBIs, and hundreds of gay people made unhappy. Assuming that there are hundreds of gay Braves fans, of course.

The Nats blew the game open in the 7th when Ryan Zimmerman chased Tim Hudson out of the game with a bases clearing double and a pack of wild dogs. Zimmerman was only up because Hudson had issued an “unintentional intentional walk” to Bryce Harper to load the bases. Hudson often describes mistakes he makes in life as “unintentional intentional,” including shoplifting, tax evasion, and grabbing womens’ breasts uninvited.

Tyler Clippard pitched another successful 9th inning, cementing himself as the Nationals’ new closer of the near future. But is he guarding Drew Storen’s job against potential rivals, or is he beginning to think that he deserves this job for himself? With Storen possibly returning from injury in early June, the situation is coming to a boil. Stay tuned to Soap Opera in the Outfield for the dramatic conclusion!

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