Bryceratops: Harper’s Homer Helps Nats Trample Braves in Sweep

Danny Espinosa was so embarrassed by his poor hitting this year that he decided to replace most of his face with a baseball so no one would recognize him.

Final Score: Nationals 7, Braves 2

Dame of the Game:

Gio Gonzalez: 7 IP, 2 ER, 1 H, 3 BB, 10 K. Gonzalez also had a sacrifice fly and two sacrifice bunts–the most sacrifices he had performed in a day since Brad Lidge once convinced him to help sacrifice every animal on a farm they passed during a roadtrip. Needless to say the farmer was not pleased, and they had to quickly run away from his brandished pitchfork, leaving a trail of massacred livestock in their wake. Good times.

Shame of the Game:

Livan Hernandez: 3 IP, 4 ER, 6 H, BB, K. This Shame of the Game is presented with a caveat: it was actually very nice of Livan to give his old friends so many runs at their reunion, and that’s a practice we’d like to encourage in all former Nationals pitchers.

——–

Bryce Harper is a man in desperate need of a nickname. “Bam Bam” is okay, but the image it calls to mind is of a stupid person who hits himself in the head with bats, not a fearsome baseball player. I’m sure that many baseball scholars will attempt to christen him with their own terms of endearment, but here is my own humble submission. If you bothered to read the title of the post, you can probably guess what it is:

First appearing in the late Cretaceous period roughly 68 million years ago, the Bryceratops somehow survived the extinction of the dinosaurs but remained in hiding before being drafted by the Nationals in 2010. For some reason it has two mouths.

While the Triceratops was an herbivore and thus at first glance less threatening than more carnivorous nickname-inspiring creatures like sharks, it was also massive and could probably easily crush/impale pretty much any animal that currently exists. Its three horns represent Harper’s three primary tools of hitting, running and throwing. Or whatever, all that really matters is that Bryce Harper is a dinosaur.

Harper’s second homer in as many days helped the Nats to secure a sweep over the Braves, a feat that they had been unable to accomplish previously this season despite many opportunities. I know that as a good Nats fan I’m only supposed to break out my broom when the Nationals sweep a series, which leads to an irregular cleaning schedule for my house. This sweep was very fortunate for the several inches of dirt that has piled up on my floor since the Nats last swept a series last season. I wish they’d do it more often so I can entertain guests ever.

Jesus Flores had an excellent offensive day, going 3-4, but then suffered a hamstring strain because he’s a catcher and he plays for the Nationals and that’s just how the world works. The Nationals are scrambling to find the source of the Curse of the Catcher so they can eliminate it, but no luck so far. My guess: Ivan Rodriguez was involved in the demonic arts and forgot to clean up after himself when he left.

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One thought on “Bryceratops: Harper’s Homer Helps Nats Trample Braves in Sweep

  1. […] case you’re not convinced that was us and didn’t read the original post several months ago, here’s a closer and non-televised phone picture taken tonight of the […]

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