Monthly Archives: June 2012

Morse Is A Horse, Of Course, Of Course: Mike Stands Tall Over Braves

“Hmm… tastes like… a jersey…” (Photo by Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 5, Braves 4.

Dame of the Game:

Mike Morse: 4-4, 3 R, 1 HR, 1 RBI. The Code turned things around and cracked something himself. That something was a tiebreaking home run in the 8th to put the Nats on top for good. Morse apparently called his shot beforehand, but I thought at the time that drawing lines and dots in the dirt was just an unnecessarily long at-bat ritual.

Shame of the Game:

Chad Durbin: Loss, .2 IP, 2 H 1 ER, 1 K. Durbin: a word made up of the words “dur,” commonly heard by Chad after doing something dumb while pitching, and “bin,” representing a trash bin in which Durbin’s pitches belong. Durbin. Dur.

Bin.

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Today was in large part about Mike Morse. You can tell by the title of this post, which of course relates to the old TV show Mr. Ed. To honor Michael’s big day, I have rewritten the lyrics for the theme to that show:

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Morse is a horse, of course, of course,

And no one can sock like Morse, of course,

That is, of course, unless the horse is the famous Mr. Ed (Mathews).

Go right to the source and ask Mike Morse,

He’ll give you the homer that you’ll endorse.

He’s always on a steady course.

Gawk at Mr. Morse.

People whackkity-whack the balls, into gloves they stray.

But Mr. Morse will never swing unless he can hit it far away.

Morse is a horse, of course, of course,

And Mike will hit with a great big force.

You never heard of a socking Morse?

Well listen to this: “I’m Michael Morse.”

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ScutaRoe v. Wade (and Craig Stammen): Nats Big Comeback Aborted in 11th

“I don’t have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun Marco Scutaro” –Dexter Fowler’s thoughts (AP Photo/Chris Schneider)

Final Score: Rockies 11, Nationals 10

Dame of the Game: 

Bryce Harper: 2-6, HR, 2 R, 2 RBI, 3 K. It’s a shame Harper’s first game tying 9th inning home run couldn’t have come in a winning effort. Kind of selfish of him. Why didn’t he save it for a game they were going to win?

Shame of the Game: 

Edwin Jackson: 3 IP, 8 ER, 10 H, 2 BB, 5 K. My mother once told me “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” But I have to say something here. Uh…what a wonderful K/9 you had today, Edwin Jackson.

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Remember the good old days? Things were nicer back then, simpler. People talked to each other face to face. The government didn’t force you to be healthy. The undesirables weren’t allowed to vote. And best of all, Nationals games were low-scoring. Ah, how I long for those days. The warm summer’s breeze blowing on my face as I listened to pitchers duels on my transistor radio. Frolicking among the corn fields as Brad Lidge blew saves. It was a better age. Well, except for the Brad Lidge part.

But that age is gone now. It’s a terrifying new world we face, one where not just the Nationals but their opponents score runs. Lots of runs. More runs than I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Yesterday was the worst case of all. BOTH the Nationals AND the Rockies scored 10 runs in the first 9 innings. That would have been simply unheard of back in the good old days. Does no one else remember what this great nation used to stand for? Low taxes. States rights. Segregation. And good quality pitching. Continue reading

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Edwar-ding Off The Demons: Nationals Offense Surpasses Expectations Again By Not Being No-Hit

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Ian Desmond wonders if the Nationals’ “no high five” policy actually exists, or was an excuse to avoid touching him since he picks his nose a lot. (Photo by Justin Edmonds/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 11, Rockies 5.

Dame of the Game:

Tyler Moore: 3-5, 2 R, 1 2B, 1 HR, 2 RBI. I bet Moore wished he played in Coors Moore often because he’d hit a lot Moore home runs. Moore than that, he’s driving in runs Moore consistently and proving to be a Moore valuable asset out of the bottom of the lineup than expected. What a tasty little Moore-sel Tyler has turned out to be.

Shame of the Game:

Chien-Ming Wang: 1 IP, 3 H, 2 ER, 1 K. Wang responded to his demotion to the bullpen with an effort that validated his demotion to the bullpen. Say what you want about him being bad, but I know why he did so bad. He really cares about Davey Johnson’s feelings and just wanted to make Davey feel confident in his choice. He is a very caring individual. And a very bad pitcher.

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Is theft of property illegal? I hope not because I like Coors Field, and frankly, I want the Nationals to steal it. I don’t know what’s helped the Nationals offense score 23 runs these past 2 days, but I’m a fan. Maybe it’s the offensive reputation of the park, maybe it’s the terrible terrible pitching that the Rockies seem to have, or maybe we’re all in a drug-induced daze and the Nationals haven’t in fact scored 23 runs these past 2 days. I’m pretty sure it’s a combination of the first two, I mean they say to take two Advils for a headache, right? I did just that, two jars of Advil. And I couldn’t feel more clearheaded. Sfaoinfweiofnew buta taosdij epiear  eaoirierejo :0

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Runs, Runs, What Are They Good For? Quite A Lot, Actually

“Come on Michael, stop grabbing my boob and look at the clouds with me!” (Photo by Justin Edmonds/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 12, Rockies 5

Dame of the Game:

Adam LaRoche: 2-4, 2 HR, 3 R, 3 RBI, BB, 2 K. Wow, a Dame of the Game where my only choices weren’t the starting pitcher, someone from the other team, or F. P. Santangelo. Of course if I had my way, F. P. would be the Dame of every Game, but rules are rules.

Shame of the Game:

Guillermo Moscoso: 1.2 IP, 8 ER, 8 H, 1 BB, 3 K. If I were a Rockies fan, now’s about when I’d be starting a “Guillermo to the Guillotine” campaign.

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A man trudges across a desert. He has been among the sand dunes and under the hot sun for weeks, months–he can’t even remember how long. His sense of time has melted in the heat. He has managed to survive this long on the meager supplies in his pack, but he is almost out. He can feel the end approaching. His strength is all but gone. 

The man tries to scale one more dune, but the effort is too great. He collapses to the sand. “Runs,” he croaks, gazing up at the angry sun, “I need runs.” It had been so long since he’d had enough runs to satisfy his thirst. But he can’t give up. If he does, he’ll die. He claws his way up to the crest of the dune.

And then…he sees it. An oasis. At first he doesn’t believe his eyes. A mirage, he thinks. His mind must be playing tricks on him. But no. It’s too real. It’s unmistakable. It’s…Coors Field.

The man knows he will live to trudge another day. Continue reading

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Ryan Zimmerman Gets His 1000th Hit Tonight

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Getting a congratulatory call from the President (of his fan club).

Ryan Zimmerman has reached the 1000th hit plateau, with a 5th inning single in tonight’s game. I’d take that everyday over the Red Sox’s 8th inning single “Sweet Caroline.” That song just pisses me off.

Zimmerman’s 1000th hit is the first milestone for a National that shows sustained success with the team, and also one of the first National milestones that doesn’t make me go like this:

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I didn’t have any pictures of me being sad so I just found this one of, from the many wrinkles, I’m going to guess Davey Johnson.

Hopefully the Nationals can begin filing their giant wall of notable milestones with more things like Zimmerman’s 1000th hit in the near future, and begin removing things marking special occasions like “Most Hoagies Consumed in Clubhouse – 1000: Livan Hernandez, July 28, 2010” and “Most Fans in Tears Because of the Bad Things You Did – 34,128: Sean Burnett, June 24, 2012.” Boy it sure is a big week for milestones.

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Mile Low Showing: Trip Out West Gets Off To a Rockie Start (LOL)

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“Come on Jesus, just lie down and look at the clouds with me!” (Photo by Justin Edmonds/Getty Images)

Final Score: Rockies 4, Nationals 2.

Dame of the Game:

Jesus Flores: 3-4, 2 R, 1 2B. High altitudes clearly work well for Jesus. Either that or playing in a ballpark named after a beer. So there are two things to consider. Either Flores has a similar physical makeup to Kenyan marathon runners and thus excels with less available air, or that he drank so much Coors that the urgent feeling of needing to pee coupled with the drunken mindset that made him forget how to use a bathroom made him play with an increased urgency all game. He sure doesn’t look like a Kenyan marathon runner.

Shame of the Game:

Danny Espinosa: 0-3, 2 HBP. Not only did Danny go hitless today, but he clearly broke some ancient religious law and was sentenced to being stoned. The Rockies didn’t have stones handy, but they just turned up the level in the humidor so the baseballs felt harder.

———-

Tonight, the first game of a 4-game series between the Nats and Rockies, had a story behind it that could be easily made into a movie. In fact…I think I’ll do just that. I’ll call it…

“Rockie.” The story of a rags to riches Nationals team, a team nobody expected to compete with the big guys the way they have. They find a tough opponent in the form of the heavyweight champion Rockies (who are only the champions at weighing a heavy amount because of Giambi’s giant gut). The Nationals have been trained and led by a relic of the past, Davey Johnson, a man who used to be a big deal in probably the 20s or something. Point is, he’s old, and nobody else thought he’d be of much value. But the Nats have proven everyone wrong by making it to this point.

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Healthy .308 OPS Replaces Sick .486 OPS (But Both Are Really Unhealthy)

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For DeRosa, it’s the intangible qualities that make him great. Like level of coolness. As shown in the picture above, he’s as freezing as someone with a .308 OPS.

Mark DeRosa is back! No, not that he’s good again. He’s just here again. DeRosa replaces an ailing Xavier Nady who was placed on the DL with right wrist tendinitis. You would think the irritation would have been caused by playing baseball, but Nady hasn’t been doing much that I would consider playing baseball during his time with the Nats. Flailing about like a goldfish in some vomit on the sidewalk is a more apt description. And we all know how dangerous for wrists that can be.

DeRosa gives us a player a little more versatile than Nady off the bench. He’s able to do so many things that you could say he’s a regular triple threat! Note, a triple threat in baseball is much more different than a triple threat in entertainment, in that it actually means someone is threateningly bad and actually in no way likely to triple. Except for Jose Lima, he actually was quite the singer.

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2012 Nationals Player Profile: Corey Brown

Corey Brown gets ready for his first day of middle school (he was held back a lot).

Corey Brown is the most consistent player on the Nationals. Last year, he was 0-3. This year, he’s 0-3.

Consistency is a lifestyle for Corey. He is a firm believer that keeping to a regular schedule is the best way to maintain his sanity in this crazy world.

For instance, every morning, he wakes up three minutes too late and misses his bus. As he walks out his door, he always stubs his toe on the slightly protruding doorframe. For lunch, he makes himself a grilled cheese sandwich that he burns just enough so it tastes bad. He gets in the shower before the water heats up enough every time, and invariably has to jump out again, shivering. When he has sex with girls after games, he makes sure they’re 14 years old.

Gotta be consistent. Can’t start changing up the age of girls he has sex with now. Who knows what might happen.

One might accuse Corey Brown of not learning from his mistakes. But there’s something admirable about staying true to yourself, not abandoning the way you do things just because it’s inconvenient, painful, unpleasant, or illegal.

Or useless to the Nationals. Here’s to another 0-3 season in 2013.

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Sean Burnett Fucks the House

Sean Burnett, immediately after having unwanted sex with you and everyone in your residence.

Final Score: Orioles 2, Nationals 1

Dame of the Game:

Ross Detwiler: 5 IP, 0 R, 4 H, 2 BB, 3 K. Detwiler reclaimed his rotation spot from Chien-Ming Wang with a flourish. Wang was was upset at his demotion, but kept himself upbeat with that most comforting of thoughts, “at least I’m not John Lannan.”

Shame of the Game:

Sean Burnett: .1 IP, 2 ER, 2 H, BB, Blown Save, Loss. See below.

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I’ve always hated Sean Burnett. Once upon a time, it seemed that he would somehow ruin every Nationals game I attended. Everything would be going well, the Nats seeming like they might actually win a game (back when that didn’t happen so often). They’d be tied or have a lead going in to the 7th or 8th. Then in would come Burnett, and we’d all go home unhappy.

There was a phrase that we creators of The Zimmerman(n) Telegram used, back in those halcyon days before the Telegram even existed (who can even fathom such a time now?). That phrase was “Sean Burnett is going to fuck the house.” We said it every time he came in to pitch. And then one to several batters later, the house was fucked. Sometimes just fucked a little bit, just enough to give us a taste. Sometimes fucked irrevocably and beyond repair. Every time Sean Burnett entered a game, we all lost a little bit of our innocence. Continue reading

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Taking It On The Chen: Nats Belt Wei To Victory

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Harper and Roberts react to the single most impressive “Yo Mamma” joke of all time. (Photo by Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 3, Orioles 1.

Dame of the Game:

Edwin Jackson: Win, 6.1 IP, 4 H, 1 BB, 1 ER, 5 K. Black is back! I of course am referring to the black corners of home plate, because tonight Edwin Jackson got the close calls on the edge of the plate that he needed to turn in a very impressive pitching performance. Also Edwin Jackson is black, and was pitching again after a brief expected absence.

Shame of the Game:

Ryan Zimmerman: 0-4, 1 E. Many teams hand out an item as a reward in the clubhouse after games to the best player. The Yankees passed around a wrestling championship belt one year, and the New York Rangers hockey team passes around a fedora. The Nationals do something different, and pass around Ian Desmond’s unwashed socks to the worst player from the game. For the second straight night, Desmond has been left to deal with cold feet as Ryan Zimmerman was subject to flaky bits of fungus-y residue from Ian’s feet. Zim may have signed a big contract in the offseason, but 100 million dollars means nothing when you have to wear a bad man’s socks.

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I was really worried that the Nationals were going to feel down coming into Saturday’s game. They have lost 3 of 4 to the Orioles this season, and started the series off the wrong way. I thought they’d just all be very crabby and play bad. Well thank goodness at least we got one win today, and the only crab-related feeling that the Nationals will come out of Baltimore with is that of fullness from eating a delicious seafood dinner. Also itchiness, from the multiple groupies that they’d probably have sex with. A win in the 2nd game bodes well for a series victory, as the momentum has shifted in Washington’s favor. Let’s hope Baltimore will end up seeing red by the end of this series, hopefully a deeper shade than that on the Nationals player’s crotches caused by this crab infestation.

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