Boston’s Sad Swan (Boat) Song Sweeps Fans Off Feet, Team Off Field


Ian Desmond’s interpretive dance routine caused a 23 minute delay and a decline in attendance. (Photo by Jim Rogash/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 4, Red Sox 3.

Dame of the Game:

Roger Bernadina: 2-4, 1 2B, 1 RBI, 1 SB. Bernadina got the game winning hit, driving in Harper in the top of the 9th with his clutch double. His hit was certainly helped by the hustle of the great, white, Bryce Harper. Shark’s blow felt like a hammer to the head for Red Sox fans, who were already nursing their emotional injuries from failing so far. It was a whale of a loss for Boston, leading to a Nationals sweep. I’m sure the Sox hope they could mako something out of this final game, but they left feeling blue.

Shame of the Game:

Alfredo Aceves: Loss, 1 IP, 1 H, 1 BB, 1 ER, 1 K. For a man named after a pasta dish, Aceves surely doesn’t satisfy the Red Sox fanbase in a similar way. Some would say that’s cause he’s not beer and that’s all people from Boston consume, others would say it’s cause he keeps blowing games and is 0-4 on the season. I guess you could say that Alfredo is a real ace in the hole for the Sox. The butthole! Cause he pitches kind of like shit.


The Boston Tea Party. The ride of Paul Revere. The Nationals mid-June 2012 sweep of the Red Sox. In increasing importance, these three events are some of the most iconic happenings in Boston’s history. Washington came into Boston, despite the many minorities on their team that the people there frown upon, and took all three games. Some will say the only reason the Nationals were so dominant is because the Red Sox senses were dulled by their in-game meals. At this point though, I think soberness and healthy food is more of a shock to their system than the current game plan.

A sweep was certainly nice, but coming into this series I already felt that the Nationals won. While the team is plenty used to unfortunate looking humans, they avoided having to fix their eyes upon a man whose looks can only be described by the made up word mmmblurgsh, because few things sound more disgusting. We avoided John Lackey. Really this is a win for our team morale. We can go the rest of the season with our heads held high, knowing that unless some freak upswing for Boston brings them to face us in the World Series and Lackey miraculously heals, we can still experience the urge to smile.

Zimmermann turned in the third straight impressive start of the series, further suggesting that this rotation we have is something quite special. It’s weird that people of German origin like Stephen and Jordan would work so successfully together with a hispanic like Gio, after seeing the failure that was the Zimmermann Telegram. I guess unlike that…this rotation… is one code… that has yet… to be cracked… (…s added to prolong the misery of having to read that joke)

The Nationals travel to Canada to take on the Blue Jays beginning tomorrow night. Honestly, who names their team after a bird? What’s next? Cardinals? Orioles? Quaker Mutations? The last one sounds like a near-perfect team for the Gorzler, but I’m not sure of his religious affiliation. He might have given it all up after realizing the hand he was dealt.

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