Chien Up: Wang Controls Balls Well and Squeezes Out A Satisfying Result

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Clippard had a bit of a hard time understanding how to play Rock, Paper, Scissors. (Photo by Brad White/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 4, Blue Jays 2.

Dame of the Game:

Bryce Harper: 3-4, 1 R, 1 HR, 1 RBI. Bryce has come into Canada strong by going 6-8 so far in this series, and blowing everyone away. Upon first arriving in Toronto, he remarked that it was kind of the city to erect a giant space needle to represent his manhood, although claimed it was a bit on the small side. Perhaps his quality performance to this point has excited it enough for it to grow another 3 or 4 stories.

Shame of the Game:

Edwin Encarnacion: 0-4, 1 K. Edwin hasn’t produced out of a crucial part of the lineup in these two games against the Nationals. I think we’re exposing him for the poor player he actually is. I knew his torrid pace to start the season couldn’t keep going. He couldn’t keep seeing the ball that well; we all know people in his family don’t have good eyes.

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Playing on turf is tough for most players. The ball does weird things, it’s bad for your legs, it’s disliked by many players. But the Nationals have been playing so successfully the first two games of the series that they clearly like it. Well little do people know, the Nationals have tremendous seasonal allergies, and being inside an artificial dome is what they have dreamed about for years. They can finally stop having watery eyes, except for the ones caused by tears after seeing Davey put Espinosa back in the leadoff spot. They can finally have clean nasal passages, except when Ian Desmond accidentally sticks marbles up there thinking it would be a cool prank to play.

Toronto is really an allergic person’s paradise, and the Nationals have been thriving. Steps have already been taken, after seeing this success, to rid Nationals Park of all allergens. The field will be torn up, the stadium will be enclosed in a giant bag, all food will be thrown out, all fans will not be allowed to bring in fabrics and will have to come naked, and rubber gloves will have to be worn by all players. I can just imagine it now, two teams of naked men in rubber gloves performing in near darkness in front of thousands of also naked people. That’s how baseball was meant to be played.

After the game Harper said to the media, “Once I get going, it’s scary.” Harper’s numbers certainly have been a scary thing for opposing teams in the past few days, but I know what Harper is actually referring to, and that is his weird unnaturally huge obsession with dressing up like a ghost. Harper’s a young kid, and because he’s a young kid he loves candy, and because he loves candy his favorite holiday is Halloween. Being a small child, he clearly doesn’t have a realistic grasp on the world, and thinks he can dress up all the time and get candy. Fine, as long as you keep playing the way you do it’s ok. But honestly, Bryce, your ghost costume is not as scary as you think. If you think Ian Desmond walking away from you is due to fear, it’s not. He’s actually very offended as a black man.

It’s finally happened, the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Jhonatan Solano hit his first career major league home run. Sporting a 1.200 OPS at this point, it leads me to believe that something might be a little fishy. How does Solano, a man not expected to do much, do something? Well I think Jhonatan might be responsible for sucking the skill from the currently injured catchers in a Space Jam-like way, which made them weak and susceptible to injury in the first place. Hmm… that’s not right. I don’t think the injured catchers combined could do much even if playing healthy. I guess Solano is just inhaling steroids.

Chien-Ming Wang started and managed a win despite giving up a good deal of baserunners. At least he’s never done anything else wrong in his life, so we can forgive him.

The Nationals finish up the series vs. Toronto at 12:37 PM on Wednesday. Oh wait, they use the metric system, don’t they? So…maybe 4? 8? Yesterday? I really don’t know.

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