Harmful Rays Burn Nats: Wang Loses Out As Price Is Too Much

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Rick Eckstein’s celebration turns sour as he spots his evil twin across the field (To clarify, David Eckstein kills house pets). (Photo by Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Final Score: Rays 5, Nationals 4.

Dame of the Game:

Ross Detwiler: 3.2 IP, 0 H, 0 R, 0 BB, 3 K. Detwiler? I barely know her! Hahaha, but seriously this guy should probably be starting and not Chien-Ming Wang. Why we rely on him to backup Wang when Chien does poorly, well, I’m at a Ross for words. I also apparently have a stereotypically Asian accent.

Shame of the Game:

Chien-Ming Wang: Loss, 3.1 IP, 7 H, 5 ER, 3 BB, 1 K. The Nationals-Wang relationship in my eyes has proven to be as unfulfilling as Chien-Ming Wang’s marriage in Wang’s eyes. It’s time we remove Wang from the rotation, and stick solely to vaginas.

———-

Bryce vs. Price I. Two of the first overall picks from recent MLB Drafts faced off for the first time tonight in a highly anticipated battle. So highly anticipated, that I didn’t know it was happening until earlier today when I read someone’s tweet about it. Who won the battle of these two draft titans? Sadly the Price is right, in that Price is the correct answer to who came out on top. Price got Harper out twice while walking him once, suggesting that all teams should release their 2010 draft picks and stock up on 2007 draft picks, for they will surely be more rewarding. So hurry up and buy high on Andrew Brackman and Matt LaPorta, because while it didn’t work the first time, the law of averages will surely catch up to their careers.

A scandalous event took place late in the game as Joel Peralta of the Rays was thrown out for some suspicious substance being found on/in his glove. Peralta had played in Washington back in 2010, leading some to believe the team knew about his trickery. When he came out to pitch, Johnson jumped at the opportunity to expose him for cheating and give his team an advantage. What a genius strategy this is for Washington to retain players. Blackmail! Don’t leave our team Bryce Harper unless you want us telling everyone about your disturbing rash. Don’t go somewhere else Stephen Strasburg unless you want us telling some umps about your below average penis size. Don’t you dare abandon us Jordan Zimmermann unless you want us letting Bud Selig know about all those smuggled immigrants in your gym bag. (I would apologize for exposing these secrets, but I don’t think we have many readers to spread the word of them)

Ryan Mattheus’ glove was checked by Rays manager Joe Maddon shortly after the Peralta incident as an act of revenge. Mattheus laughed the whole time, and was ultimately found to be in the clear and allowed to pitch. Maddon had never managed Mattheus, so he didn’t realize that he should have told the umps to look for the heaping wads of meth taped to the back of Ryan’s knee.

This is the 4th straight loss for the Nationals against AL East teams in their own ballpark, after 2 straight series sweeps on the roads. The Nationals are clearly built for an AL brand of baseball, which explains their poor pitching statistics and inflated offensive numbers. Maybe if we put on Astros jerseys and just show up in Houston first next year, we can just take their spot.

The series will continue tomorrow at 7 PM, as Stephen Strasburg takes the mound. Can we not wake Davey Johnson from his nap til the 6th or 7th inning so he thinks Strasburg only added one or two more innings against his limit, please?

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