Taking It On The Chen: Nats Belt Wei To Victory

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Harper and Roberts react to the single most impressive “Yo Mamma” joke of all time. (Photo by Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 3, Orioles 1.

Dame of the Game:

Edwin Jackson: Win, 6.1 IP, 4 H, 1 BB, 1 ER, 5 K. Black is back! I of course am referring to the black corners of home plate, because tonight Edwin Jackson got the close calls on the edge of the plate that he needed to turn in a very impressive pitching performance. Also Edwin Jackson is black, and was pitching again after a brief expected absence.

Shame of the Game:

Ryan Zimmerman: 0-4, 1 E. Many teams hand out an item as a reward in the clubhouse after games to the best player. The Yankees passed around a wrestling championship belt one year, and the New York Rangers hockey team passes around a fedora. The Nationals do something different, and pass around Ian Desmond’s unwashed socks to the worst player from the game. For the second straight night, Desmond has been left to deal with cold feet as Ryan Zimmerman was subject to flaky bits of fungus-y residue from Ian’s feet. Zim may have signed a big contract in the offseason, but 100 million dollars means nothing when you have to wear a bad man’s socks.

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I was really worried that the Nationals were going to feel down coming into Saturday’s game. They have lost 3 of 4 to the Orioles this season, and started the series off the wrong way. I thought they’d just all be very crabby and play bad. Well thank goodness at least we got one win today, and the only crab-related feeling that the Nationals will come out of Baltimore with is that of fullness from eating a delicious seafood dinner. Also itchiness, from the multiple groupies that they’d probably have sex with. A win in the 2nd game bodes well for a series victory, as the momentum has shifted in Washington’s favor. Let’s hope Baltimore will end up seeing red by the end of this series, hopefully a deeper shade than that on the Nationals player’s crotches caused by this crab infestation.

On the offensive side of things, if your name wasn’t Adam LaRoche you probably weren’t all that much help. If your name was Adam LaRoche, then holy crap how did you start reading this blog? I had no idea that we had any Nationals following our efforts to cover the team. Oh my god, you’re one of my favorite players! Can you do an interview or something, it would be so very much appreciated! I promise, it won’t take too long, and you don’t know how much it would mean to us! …I’m guessing your name wasn’t Adam LaRoche though.

For the Nationals pen, the back end once again held firm. I knew doing all those squats were of some use. You would expect it to just let loose at some point and shit out a nasty one, but honestly, I have rarely felt more comfortable with something supporting us in the most sensitive areas towards the end as I have with these men. To honor this innuendo filled paragraph, I have decided to name my left butt cheek Sean, and my right butt check Tyler.

At 1:35 on Sunday, the Nationals will look for a series victory and a season series tie. They’re sending Ross Detwiler out to the mound for the first time since returning to the rotation. It was a bit scary for a moment there, with Ross somehow escaping Earth’s orbit and all. But it’s all good now.

Oh and by the way. The “Yo Mamma” joke from the picture caption up top goes as follows: “Yo mamma’s so fat that she fits into Livan Hernandez’s pants comfortably.”

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