Mile Low Showing: Trip Out West Gets Off To a Rockie Start (LOL)


“Come on Jesus, just lie down and look at the clouds with me!” (Photo by Justin Edmonds/Getty Images)

Final Score: Rockies 4, Nationals 2.

Dame of the Game:

Jesus Flores: 3-4, 2 R, 1 2B. High altitudes clearly work well for Jesus. Either that or playing in a ballpark named after a beer. So there are two things to consider. Either Flores has a similar physical makeup to Kenyan marathon runners and thus excels with less available air, or that he drank so much Coors that the urgent feeling of needing to pee coupled with the drunken mindset that made him forget how to use a bathroom made him play with an increased urgency all game. He sure doesn’t look like a Kenyan marathon runner.

Shame of the Game:

Danny Espinosa: 0-3, 2 HBP. Not only did Danny go hitless today, but he clearly broke some ancient religious law and was sentenced to being stoned. The Rockies didn’t have stones handy, but they just turned up the level in the humidor so the baseballs felt harder.


Tonight, the first game of a 4-game series between the Nats and Rockies, had a story behind it that could be easily made into a movie. In fact…I think I’ll do just that. I’ll call it…

“Rockie.” The story of a rags to riches Nationals team, a team nobody expected to compete with the big guys the way they have. They find a tough opponent in the form of the heavyweight champion Rockies (who are only the champions at weighing a heavy amount because of Giambi’s giant gut). The Nationals have been trained and led by a relic of the past, Davey Johnson, a man who used to be a big deal in probably the 20s or something. Point is, he’s old, and nobody else thought he’d be of much value. But the Nats have proven everyone wrong by making it to this point.

The Rockies have tasted greatness before, having been the National League Champions. They decided, let’s book a series giving this historically unsuccessful nobody of a team a shot. It may put people in the seats, but in reality the Rockies expected it to be a cakewalk.

Sure the Nationals want to win. But going into a ballpark as unique as Coors, to face the Rockies in their home? Heck, it’d feel rewarding to go the distance with them if anything.

Finally, on June 25th, the Nationals and Rockies game was ready to be played. On one of the biggest holidays of the year (for the sake of this story, let’s assume that National Catfish Day, which June 25th actually is in the US, is of equal national importance to New Year’s).

The Nationals surprised the Rockies and got out on top early, knocking them down a bit. Over the course of the match, the Rockies struck back, and ended up pulling even with the Nationals. However in the end, the Rockies came out on top in a matchup that looked like could go to either team. Awarding them the win was a tough decision for the judges (made slightly easier by the fact they scored more runs, but whatever).

After the game, Jim Tracy and Davey Johnson met in the middle of the field. Tracy shouted “Ain’t gonna be no rematch,” to which Johnson replied, “Don’t want one.” Of course, they don’t really have a say. MLB can’t just change their schedule, so Rockie II is scheduled for tomorrow.

The series continues Tuesday night as Gio faces the Rockies. Finally, Earth is fighting back at those protruding mountains trying to get rid of them, just like pimples sticking out from a greasy face. I always knew Jason Giambi was just an inflamed bit of skin filled with white pus.

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One thought on “Mile Low Showing: Trip Out West Gets Off To a Rockie Start (LOL)

  1. […] of the season. You might remember that for the first game these two teams played this season, I recapped it by comparing it to Rocky I. For tonight’s game, I will recap it by comparing it to Rocky V. […]

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