Runs, Runs, What Are They Good For? Quite A Lot, Actually

“Come on Michael, stop grabbing my boob and look at the clouds with me!” (Photo by Justin Edmonds/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 12, Rockies 5

Dame of the Game:

Adam LaRoche: 2-4, 2 HR, 3 R, 3 RBI, BB, 2 K. Wow, a Dame of the Game where my only choices weren’t the starting pitcher, someone from the other team, or F. P. Santangelo. Of course if I had my way, F. P. would be the Dame of every Game, but rules are rules.

Shame of the Game:

Guillermo Moscoso: 1.2 IP, 8 ER, 8 H, 1 BB, 3 K. If I were a Rockies fan, now’s about when I’d be starting a “Guillermo to the Guillotine” campaign.


A man trudges across a desert. He has been among the sand dunes and under the hot sun for weeks, months–he can’t even remember how long. His sense of time has melted in the heat. He has managed to survive this long on the meager supplies in his pack, but he is almost out. He can feel the end approaching. His strength is all but gone. 

The man tries to scale one more dune, but the effort is too great. He collapses to the sand. “Runs,” he croaks, gazing up at the angry sun, “I need runs.” It had been so long since he’d had enough runs to satisfy his thirst. But he can’t give up. If he does, he’ll die. He claws his way up to the crest of the dune.

And then…he sees it. An oasis. At first he doesn’t believe his eyes. A mirage, he thinks. His mind must be playing tricks on him. But no. It’s too real. It’s unmistakable. It’s…Coors Field.

The man knows he will live to trudge another day.

I hope you enjoyed this brief tale. But did you realize that it was actually an allegory in which the man represents…the Washington Nationals? And the oasis represents the game they played last night? I hope I didn’t just blow your mind too badly. Anyway, moral of the story: the Nationals haven’t scored many runs this season, but last night they scored a fuckton.

How did it happen? Well, it might have been a combination of the facts that they were in Coors Field and facing some pretty atrocious Rockies pitching. There’s another explanation that’s a lot more plausible, though. When the Nationals had scored a measly one run in the third inning yesterday, Danny Espinosa’s leg found a new friend: a napkin. Had the Nationals played one of their normal games with a 2-1 outcome, that napkin would have been swiftly consigned to the dustbin of history, along with pretty much every other napkin that’s ever existed. But the Nationals scored 11 more runs after the napkin’s fateful appearance, and F. P. Santangelo knows about cause and effect. Now it’s no mere napkin–it’s the Rally Napkin.

There have been a lot of “Rally ____”s in baseball over the last decade or so. Monkeys, squirrels, chickens. But this might be the greatest rally mascot of them all. Animals are all well and good, but napkins…napkins inspire. I don’t think we’ve seen the last of the Rally Napkin.

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One thought on “Runs, Runs, What Are They Good For? Quite A Lot, Actually

  1. Ceenats says:

    The “Rally Napkin” made me laugh and laugh. There was even a video included with the highlights from the game on FUNNY.

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