ScutaRoe v. Wade (and Craig Stammen): Nats Big Comeback Aborted in 11th

“I don’t have to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun Marco Scutaro” –Dexter Fowler’s thoughts (AP Photo/Chris Schneider)

Final Score: Rockies 11, Nationals 10

Dame of the Game: 

Bryce Harper: 2-6, HR, 2 R, 2 RBI, 3 K. It’s a shame Harper’s first game tying 9th inning home run couldn’t have come in a winning effort. Kind of selfish of him. Why didn’t he save it for a game they were going to win?

Shame of the Game: 

Edwin Jackson: 3 IP, 8 ER, 10 H, 2 BB, 5 K. My mother once told me “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” But I have to say something here. Uh…what a wonderful K/9 you had today, Edwin Jackson.


Remember the good old days? Things were nicer back then, simpler. People talked to each other face to face. The government didn’t force you to be healthy. The undesirables weren’t allowed to vote. And best of all, Nationals games were low-scoring. Ah, how I long for those days. The warm summer’s breeze blowing on my face as I listened to pitchers duels on my transistor radio. Frolicking among the corn fields as Brad Lidge blew saves. It was a better age. Well, except for the Brad Lidge part.

But that age is gone now. It’s a terrifying new world we face, one where not just the Nationals but their opponents score runs. Lots of runs. More runs than I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Yesterday was the worst case of all. BOTH the Nationals AND the Rockies scored 10 runs in the first 9 innings. That would have been simply unheard of back in the good old days. Does no one else remember what this great nation used to stand for? Low taxes. States rights. Segregation. And good quality pitching.

Change is dangerous. You know what happens when we change? Chaos. Rioting in the streets. The disintegration of morality. Eventually, rape and murder. Yesterday’s game was the perfect example. The Nationals flaunted their bats, waving them in the air for everyone to see. No modesty, no shame. And look what happened! They lost. Of course they lost. Even if they had won, it would still be a loss in the eyes of God Almighty. Such an orgiastic, debauched display of runs can never be a real victory.

Think of the children! Their innocent, virgin eyes forever tarnished by watching more runs score in a Nationals game than they should have seen before they reached adulthood. Before you know it, they’ll be wandering the streets in gangs all wearing Ian Desmond masks, smashing cars, windows and people with baseball bats claiming they saw it on TV. It’s games like this that are one day going to cause the breakdown of our social order.

The Nationals will reap what they sow, if they continue down this path of radicalism. Fortunately, if there’s one man I who I trust to take responsibility for the moral future of the Nationals–nay, the entire world–it’s Ross Detwiler. He’ll try to do just that against the savage, heathen Braves tonight in Atlanta.

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