Monthly Archives: July 2012

Nationals Activate Tracy, Option Brown

The Nationals have brought back pinch hitter extraordinaire and star of the CBS show “Without a Tracy,” Chad Tracy. He gives the team a valuable bat off the bench, just like a batboy. He also helps the team in a bunch of ways not as widely acknowledged, just like a batboy. And he flies around at night feeding on insects, just like a normal person.

To make room for Tracy, the Nats optioned Corey Brown back to the minors. And just when I thought the team wasn’t going to make any trades, they make one with themselves. I’ve gotta be honest, I think our franchise came out on top in this one.

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Nationals Poll of the Day

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The Morse Invasion: Nats Conquer Milwaukee Like It’s Iberia in 711 A.D.

I don’t know why this random guy in a Brewers jersey thinks anyone is going to pay $21 to ransom him back from Ron Roenicke. (AP Photo/Tom Lynn)

Final Score: Nationals 11, Brewers 10

Dame of the Game:

Michael Morse: 2-4, HR, 2 R, 4 RBI, BB, K.

To: themilwaukeebrewers@thelowerhalfofthenlcentral.com

Subject: Re: Morse?

Message: No. No remorse.

Shame of the Game:

Ryan Mattheus: 1.2 IP, 4 ER, 5 H, 3 HR. Mattheus entered today’s sausage race as a shit sausage. Man, he was bad.

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There are few things in life more satisfying than turning off a terrible baseball game to do something more enjoyable only to turn it on later to discover that while you were away and inwardly conceding defeat, something ridiculously fantastic happened. One of the more satisfying things is actually watching those ridiculously fantastic things happen.

My personal experience with Sunday’s game was the former, but I’ll take it. When I disgustedly moved on with my afternoon, it was 7-3 Brewers in the 7th. This situation produced in me a similar emotion to that given by my subsequent action, removing some mold-covered cheese from my rot-smelling refrigerator. This refrigerator is basically a mold factory–you can’t leave food in there for more than a few minutes or it’ll start crawling with some ungodly pestilence. Sorta like leaving Ryan Mattheus in this game.

When I checked my phone for the score a considerable amount of time later, I naturally assumed the game would be long over, the Nats having settled for a series split–the most mediocre of outcomes against the most mediocre of teams. ¬†When the score appeared as 11-9 Nats in the top of the 11th, I first paused for a few moments to ensure that my score-checking app hadn’t randomly decided to show me the results of a Nats/Brewers game from 2007 or something. But no. It had actually happened. My wrongly-colored sliced cheese had transformed from smelling like death itself to exuding the sweet scent of whatever the Nationals version of this would be. In the metaphor, at least–in real life the cheese still smelled horrible.

At first I wondered things like “how” and “who” and “why” and “will this dramatically alter the course of the future of the universe?” I’d later find out the answers (4 runs in the 8th, 2 in the 9th, 2 in the 11th/Roger Bernadina, Michael Morse, John Axford, and the eminently hateable Jose Veras/because all previous events in history had somehow contributed to predetermining this outcome in ways that are not comprehensible to humans/no), but those didn’t matter. In the end it was just another improbable win for a Nats team that seems to have no regard for probability, morality, or public nudity laws (I assume).

Let’s hope they win a few more so we can have a naked World Series parade in November.

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Nationals Sign Mike MacDougal

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We have employed a giant.

The Nationals have signed Mike MacDougal to a minor league contract. MacDougal played for the Nats back in 2009, meaning he can probably only make things worse. I guess the team is taking a gamble on this Las Vegas native, hoping that he will pay out. That, or maybe they just brought him in for recommendations on hookers when the team travels to Vegas.

There isn’t much of a place for MacDougal on the big league roster right now, but if he waits around maybe something will open up. That’s what the Nats have been telling John Lannan for months to distract him from plotting to assassinate Ross Detwiler.

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The Boy Who Cried, Wolf: Milwaukee Just Talkie, With Bad Showing

The jersey were actually meant to support gay marriage. But the Nationals encountered another embarrassing spelling error. (Photo by Mike McGinnis/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 4, Brewers 1.

Dame of the Game:

Corey Brown: 1-5, 1 R, 1 HR, 1 RBI. Corey probably didn’t have the best performance tonight, but he hit his first career home run. This award for him is kind of like praising a kid for his first poop on his own, even if he did it in the tub.

Shame of the Game:

Randy Wolf: Loss, 7 IP, 9 H, 1 BB, 4 ER, 6 K. Wolf is always randy. In both name, and because no baseball groupie is lining up to satisfy him given his many poor performances like this.

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Today was a big day for Jordan Zimmermann, as many of his family and friends came from Jordan’s nearby home town to see him pitch. While many baseball players are very excited to play in front of family, Zimmermann worried his teammates would make a bad first impression. It’s no secret that Jordan has had trouble getting his teammates to cooperate this year. Thus, he felt worried that his family would think less of them, despite Jordan really caring about them. The situation had the potential to be like Jordan bringing home a girlfriend, only to have her shit all over the carpet and leave Jordan helpless to clean up the mess. So what happened?

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Fiersd: Nats Could Find Themselves Unemployed After Poor Performance Review

Hey Jonathan LuCroy, you can’t make snow angels if there isn’t any snow. Duh. (Jeffrey Phelps / AP)

Final Score: Brewers 6, Nationals 0

Dame of the Game:

Henry Rodriguez: 1 IP, 0 ER, K. Figured I might as well give this to him in case of the likely event that he never does anything good again.

Shame of the Game:

Ross Detwiler: 4.2 IP, 4 ER, 7 H, 2 BB, 5 K. As Chien-Ming Wang might say if he followed racial-linguistic sterotypes, Detwiler got the “ross.”

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They say that revenge is a dish best served cold, but the Brewers didn’t bother to follow that maxim in getting retribution for the Nats 6 run margin of victory Thursday night. Which is ironic, since brewers usually like to serve things cold, namely beer.

I guess that’s not that ironic.

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Run of the Mil Victory: Brewers Put Out Most Disappointing Product Since Bud Light

Roger Bernadina finds the palm of Edwin Jackson’s hand to be extremely emotional. (Photo by Mike McGinnis/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 8, Brewers 2.

Dame of the Game:

Edwin Jackson: Win, 7 IP, 8 H, 1 BB, 0 R, 4 K; 1-2, 1 BB, 2 R. Jackson did his best Stephen Strasburg impression by being a dominating force on the mound and a threat at the plate. He also dipped his face in powdered sugar, which indeed turned out as racist as you’d imagine.

Shame of the Game:

Yovani Gallardo: Loss, 5 IP, 7 H, 2 BB, 7 ER, 6 K. Gallard’oh!

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It was almost three years ago to the day, on July 28, 2009, that the Nationals last won in Milwaukee. It had also been 79 years since a Washington baseball team was 20 games above .500. It too had been a lifetime since Tom Gorzelanny saw a woman’s breasts. Two of these streaks came to an end tonight, and let’s be honest, they were the more likely of the two to end. The Nationals finally got to Milwaukee in their own yard, which had been so hard to do before because of the distracting odor of cheese. But now, the Nationals have made Miller Park their house, which is really nice. Their other house lacked a roof, making having guests over during the rain difficult.

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This Actually Exists

This video of four members of the Nationals bullpen reading passages from Fifty Shades of Grey is funnier than anything I could possibly say about it. Baseball players need to spend more of their time doing things like this.

It would only be slightly more perfect if it were Clippard and Drew Storen staring longingly at each other. Oh well. I guess they have to save that for a more private setting.

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Step Right Up and Sweep the Mets: Nats Have the Time of Their Lives, Mets Fans Don’t

Sean Burnett convinced Jordany Valdespin to stop moving and put his hands up because he was the police. (Jim McIsaac/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 5, Mets 2

Dame of the Game:

Stephen Strasburg: 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 H, 11 K. If the Nats can clinch the division before Strasburg’s catches up to his innings limit, things’d be a whole lot easier. They might have to win about 20 games in a row to do that, but it’s worth a shot.

Shame of the Game:

Stephen Strasbug: 0-3, 2 K, 4 LOB. An unacceptable performance from the best hitter on the team.

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This game was boring in a good way. The Nats won again, playing solidly all around. They got three home runs from people often associated with animals–Michael Morse (horse), Adam LaRoche (deer), and Danny Espinosa (chipmunk, by me right now). The most excitement happened when Davey Johnson made the curious decision of intentionally walking two Mets in the eight inning by bringing in Henry Rodriguez–at least I assume that was the intention, since I don’t know why else you would bring him in. Fortunately Drew Storen cleaned up the mess like he was born with a Shamwow in his hand.

Best of all was Stephen Strasburg, who turned in one of his signature performances. To celebrate his excellent start, here are some definitely true facts about Stephen presented anacrostically. Continue reading

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Where’s Your God Now, Mets Fans? RA Burns Himself In Loss

Harper briefly retired in the 1st inning, throwing away his bat. He then realized that being a baseball player probably means you have very few other real world skills, and changed his mind. (Photo by Mike Stobe/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 5, Mets 2.

Dame of the Game:

Gio Gonzalez: Win, 7 IP, 2 H, 2 BB, 1 R, 0 ER, 4 K. Gio got much more satisfaction out of his meeting with Dickey this time around. R.A. must’ve been taking Viagra this time or something.

Shame of the Game:

R.A. Dickey: Loss, 6 IP, 8 H, 1 BB, 5 R, 4 ER, 7 K. Dickey lost for the first time in his last 12 decisions. People will surely say the decision was fixed and that the decision should have been awarded to Dickey, but those people are probably drunken boxing fans who somehow stumbled upon a baseball game.

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Trying new things can really help you live a happier life. Just look at the Nationals this season, and their decision to try winning games. I’d say everyone’s thrilled about that. Note: I don’t consider Braves, Mets, Marlins and Phillies fans important enough to be included in “everyone.” For Phillies fans in part because they’re barely people. Have you looked at some of them? Adam LaRoche took the advice to try something new today when it came to facing R.A. Dickey, by using Roger Bernadina’s bat. The result: A home run. This success using Bernadina’s lumber says to me only one thing…

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