Nationals fans, it’s time for the most important election of the year. The National League All Star Game Final Vote (the AL vote is inconsequential) dwarfs all other elections in terms of the impact that it will have on your life and the lives of everyone else in the world. It is an understatement to say that on the outcome of this vote hinges the political, economic, social, moral, religious, and evolutionary future of humanity. With that in mind, your participation is critical.
The candidates for this highly coveted position are Michael Bourn, Chipper Jones, Aaron Hill, David Freese, and Bryce Harper. Four of these men are wrong for the job. Only one will lead the National League to All-Star Game glory and revitalize the human spirit in the process.
That man is Bryce Harper.
We at The Zimmerman(n) Telegram are committed to Harper’s candidacy, and will do whatever it takes to achieve victory. But we don’t expect you to just take our word that you should vote for Harper, of course. That’s why we’re presenting Bryce Harper’s campaign platform, a Zimmerman(n) Telegram exclusive.
Harper has developed clear and thoughtful stances on some of the most important matters facing baseball today. Here are his positions:
Expansion of the Wild Card: Harper believes that giving more people the opportunity to achieve success is part of what makes this country and this game great. No player should feel like they’re out of options at any point, unless they’ve been on the 40-man for 3 years.
Instant Replay: Bryce is entirely for instant replay. It takes human error out of the game and ensures that each contest is decided by the play on the field. Also Harper has bladder control issues, and could really use more downtime during innings in case of emergencies.
Steroid Era Players in the Hall of Fame: Harper thinks that the Steroid Era, as controversial as it may be, was just another generation of baseball and that the players should still be treated with respect. They should also be treated with zinc supplements to increase the size of their shrunken testicles.
The Syrian Revolution: Harper believes that despite the unspeakable brutality of the Assad regime, a US intervention at this time is not the best solution. The Syrian opposition is too fractured, and would be unable to quickly coalesce into a stable government even if Assad were removed. A US military intervention would be more likely to result in another long and costly occupation that would do more harm than good to the American reputation in the region. Harper believes that instead, the US should impose sanctions on the Syrian government, provide limited aid to the rebels, and teach the revolutionaries the benefits of hustling.
Lowering the Drinking Age to 18: That’s a clown issue, bro.
If you’re still not convinced that you should devote every last second of your time between now and when the Final Vote ends on Thursday to voting for Harper, do not despair–we will spend the coming days continuing to persuade you. Not just why voting for Harper is a good idea, but why voting for any of the other players will result in the death of your loved ones and the ruination of everything you’ve ever accomplished.
Vote for Bryce Harper here. In this election, you’re either with Bryce Harper, liberty, and justice–or you’re against them.