Liveblogging Soon-to-be All-Star Bryce Harper’s At-Bats Tonight

Bryce Harper just saw Livan Hernandez crush Danny Espinosa in a sumo wrestling match. Literally.

Bryce Harper will remind everyone why he is the only correct choice for the NL All-Star Final Vote tonight. Stay tuned to find out why everything he does is further evidence for the fact that you are morally and legally obliged to vote for him.

UPDATE 6:50 PM: Harper flies out to left field. But before that, through his impeccable patience, he worked the count long enough to allow Steve Lombardozzi to steal second. Bryce Harper would wait an eternity for his teammates if he had to. What a team player. All-Star.

UPDATE 7:32 PM: Harper lays down a drag bunt but is thrown out by Tim Lincecum. Even though he was thrown out this time, this was great foresight and strategic thinking by Harper. Lincecum will be tired out, making it easier for other Nationals to hit him. Another example of Harper being a great teammate, which probably means he’s also a loyal friend and passionate lover.

Also, next time up, the infield will likely be playing all the way in for Harper. If he so chooses, he can easily slash bunt and render the infield helpless. Bryce Harper: master strategist. Baseball genius. All-star.

UPDATE 7:39 PM: Point proven. Nationals score 4 hits and 3 runs in 5 at-bats after Harper’s bunt. And all thanks to Bryce Harper, offensive sparkplug. Electric. All-star.

UPDATE 8:03 PM: Bryce Harper doubles to right. The least impressive thing he’s done so far tonight, but not horrible. Good hitter. All-star.

UPDATE 8:50 PM: Bryce Harper strikes out, brilliantly illustrating through this metaphor the failures of today’s decaying American society. The greatest poet of our time. The philosopher of a generation. All-star.

UPDATE 8:58 PM: Rain delay, with a strong possibility that the game will be called and the Nationals will win. There is little doubt that the rain was summoned by Bryce Harper personally, to eliminate any risk that the Giants might come back. Bryce Harper: controller of the heavens. Deity made flesh. All-star.

UPDATE 10:39 PM: Bryce Harper calms the skies and play resumes. He knows that it is better to beat the Giants fairly over full game, because he respects the game and believes in equality of opportunity. He also knows that the Nationals will win regardless. Bryce Harper’s respect for the game of baseball is boundless. Gentleman. Scholar. All-star.

UPDATE 10:56 PM: Harper doubles, driving in Steve Lombardozzi. Coincidentally, Bryce Harper is doubly as great as any other man living or dead. Double hitter. Double champion. Double All-Star.

UPDATE 11:20 PM: The Nationals win. Bryce Harper goes 2-5, for a .400 average, making him the best hitter since Ted Williams and the best candidate for the Final Vote since the very first Final Vote at the dawn of time. Vote Bryce Harper for the Final Vote if you want to be part of the inexorable progress of history towards a better tomorrow. Bryce Harper: unstoppable force. Immovable object. All-star.

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One thought on “Liveblogging Soon-to-be All-Star Bryce Harper’s At-Bats Tonight

  1. […] losing the NL All-Star Final Vote, which we’ve repeatedly stressed was meaningless and irrelevant, Bryce Harper won the only Final Vote that matters on Thursday. In a […]

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