Despite losing the NL All-Star Final Vote, which we’ve repeatedly stressed was meaningless and irrelevant, Bryce Harper won the only Final Vote that matters on Thursday. In a press release put out by St. Peter this afternoon, we found out that Harper had been chosen by the Lord Almighty as the last person who will ever make it into heaven.
God was quoted as saying, “I dunno, man, Bryce offered to give me one of those “Don’t Be a Clown Bro” shirts if I picked him, and I just think those are hilarious. I’d totally wear that. No one could top it as a thank you present. Besides, as everyone knows me and the Devil are gonna decide who wins the whole thing at the end of time with a softball game, and I think Bryce could really help the team.”
When he dies, Harper will be one of just 34 people in the history of humanity who have ever made it through the Pearly Gates and onto what God describes as his “God Squad.” Some of the names on the list were expected, like Socrates, Mother Teresa, and Martin Luther King Jr., but others, such as Genghis Khan and Ugueth Urbina, were surprise additions. Notable snubs included Jesus, Mohammed, and Rick Santorum.
“This is the last guy, though,” added God, “No more. There’s only so much space up here, and me and my bros have to have some room to chillax. So you guys can all stop worrying about getting here, cause it’s not happening.”
God had one final thought for mankind in this first-ever public address. “By the way, it’d still be pretty cool if Bryce made the All-Star team. I’m not gonna tell you guys to break Jonathan Papelbon’s kneecaps so he can’t participate and Bryce has to replace him, cause that would not be very benevolent of me. But then again, I’ve never specifically told you not to do that before, and I’m certainly not gonna start saying it now.
“I mean, it’s not like you have anything to lose anymore.”