Independence Fray: Nats Launch Fireworks Often, Few See Them Due To Sun

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Gio, pretending like that fart didn’t happen will never work. (Photo by Greg Fiume/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 9, Giants 4.

Dame of the Game:

Ryan Zimmerman: 2-5, 2 R, 1 2B, 1 HR, 3 RBI. The Ryan-O proved to be an unstoppable force today. Players like these are an endangered species. I worry that other people in the league will try to kill him and sell his bat on the black market though.

Shame of the Game:

Madison Bumgarner: Loss, 5 IP, 9 H, 1 BB, 7 ER, 7 K. It makes sense that a man who garners bums would make an ass out of himself on the mound today.

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The 4th of July is America’s day. Baseball is America’s game. Washington is America’s city. These three things coming together today could only mean one thing. That thing of course is that the baseball schedule lined up to have a Nationals home game on July 4th. It’s a pretty simple explanation. But still, the Nationals celebrated America’s birthday with a win. They really cooked the Giants, much like a 4th of July BBQ. The game went as easy as a picnic…a 4th of July picnic. The Nationals beat a bunch of immigrants who play for the Giants, much like Will Smith beating a bunch of aliens during an Independence Day invasion. Thus today’s game encapsulated everything America stands for. Food, food, and making life difficult for aliens. God bless America.

The entire Nationals offense came alive with a total of four home runs, one from Zimmerman, Morse, Ankiel and even Solano. This suggests to me one thing. Jhonatan Solano is an illegal immigrant. Why would Solano choose the 4th of July to have the best game of his career? Surely because his immigration papers aren’t in order. He just wanted to trick everyone into thinking he was as American as apple pie. We already knew he was as mushy and warm as apple pie, he’s very cuddly. I’m not accusing him of being an illegal immigrant because I dislike him, no. In fact I like him very much. But I LOVE America. And it’s time we start looking at our baseball players more carefully to make sure they deserve to be here. (This was all actually just a desperate ploy to try and get people like Carlos Ruiz and Jose Reyes deported. I just really don’t want have to deal with them on the field anymore, they’re frustratingly talented)

With just a few hours left to go, Bryce Harper still stands behind the Jesus hating David Freese in the final vote for the all-star game. His 2-4 effort today continued a hitting trend for Harper that shows he truly wants a spot on this team. My question is why he wasn’t in first place to begin with. I mean, who doesn’t want to see a teenager parading around on television in tight baseball pants? This guy, probably.

The series finishes up Thursday night on Turn Back the Clock Night. Everything will be 1920s-era: uniforms and music most notably. They’re trying to make everyone feel as if they’re living in the 20s. Thus, it’s likely that the Nationals will stay ahead for 8 innings and everyone will be really happy, but then everything will come crashing down in the 9th and a bunch of people will kill themselves.

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