Giometry 101: Gio Pitches Circles Around Rockies

Gio Gonzalez’s shadow is a better pitcher than most pitcher’s actual bodies. (Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 4, Rockies 1

Dame of the Game:

Gio Gonzalez: 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 H, 3 BB, 6 K. Gio’s ability to pitch effectively in extreme heat is surprising only until you remember that he is constantly giving off energy he channels from the earth’s hot magma core.

Shame of the Game:

Rockies Defense: 4 errors. The Rockies defenders just didn’t seem capable of catching, throwing, or spell-checking the two page papers on Giology they were supposed to hand in. Bad grades all around.

——

Hello class. Settle down, settle down.

The Giology Professor is out for the day with some kind of conference or terminal illness, they didn’t tell me which. I’ll be your substitute teacher for the day. My name is Mr. Neptooth. Here, let me write that on the board for you like it’s pronounced:

“Mr. Grrapfth-SHUHHNK-sog”

Say “hi, Mr. Neptooth.” No, that’s not right at all. Let’s just move on.

Now I know this is supposed to be a Giology class, but I don’t know much of anything about Giology. I am, however, an expert in Giometry, a related field, so instead I will give you a Giometry lecture.

I assume you are all familiar with Gio Gonzalez? Good, good. Yes, he is the most important area of study in the scientific and mathematics fields. You already know about his role in the the earth, its evolution, and its rocks. I will now tell you how he participates in the world of shapes.

When Gio Gonzalez pitches, he throws a sphere. Can someone tell me what a sphere is? No, you just defined “fear.” You seem like a terrified child. A sphere is a ball in which all points on the surface of the ball are equidistant from the center.

Gio throws this sphere towards a shape called a pentagon. I’m going to assume none of you know what that is because you seem stupid. A pentagon is a shape with five sides. “Pent” derives from the Latin word for five. “Gon” derives from the English word for what happens to batters after Gio throws three or so spheres at them, which in turn derives from the first syllable in Gio’s last name. But this isn’t a Linguistics class. Let’s get back to Giometry.

When Gio’s sphere crosses the plane of the pentagon, as it nearly always does, it usually doesn’t overlap entirely with the shape. It will typically be bisected by either the rightmost or leftmost lines of the pentagon. This is an ideal location for a sphere. There is also often a man standing nearby when this shape-intersection occurs–let’s call him “Carlos Gonzalez.” He holds a somewhat cylindrical object that he attempts to bring to the sphere at the exact moment that it crosses the pentagon. This usually doesn’t work, though. The field of Giometry doesn’t spend much time studying such unlikely outcomes.

There you have it: the basics of Giometry. Your homework tonight is to watch Saturday’s Nationals/Rockies game, which illustrates most of the material I have discussed.

Of course, I have just scratched the surface of this vast and complex discipline. I’ve told you nothing about the angle of Gio’s legs in relation to the mound-to-home line when he throws the sphere to the square on his left, or the angle that his tongue forms with the roof of his mouth when he pitches, or even more advanced, the angle that his drooling saliva forms when dripping off his chin when he sleeps on a bus. If any of that piques your interest, you’ll have to take one of my higher level Giometry classes or buy my ten-volume series on Giometric Principles for just $139,999.99.

Your Giology Professor should be back next class, if he still exists.

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