Jordan Zimmermann’s Bizarre World: Nats Start Good, End Bad, Imitate Mass Effect 3

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Todd Helton is doing something so blatantly wrong in this picture. Don’t hit it right at the catcher, send it down the line! Rookie. (AP Photo/Alex Brandon)

Final Score: Rockies 4, Nationals 3.

Dame of the Game:

Jordan Zimmermann: 7 IP, 3 H, 2 BB, 1 ER, 2 K. Despite a thorough fucking of the Rockies, Zimmermann did not receive a win. This example alone should make sabremetrics the clear victor over traditional statistics as a value of what makes a good player.

Shame of the Game:

Sean Burnett: 0 IP, 3 H, 2 ER. Despite a thorough fucking of the house, Burnett did not receive a loss. Nevermind, THIS example alone should make sabremetrics the clear victor over traditional statistics as a value of what makes a good player.

———-

Host: It’s time to play Family Feud! Let’s get started, give me Jim, give me Davey. Let’s go!

Host: 100 people surveyed, top 5 answers on the board. Name a way you blew Sunday’s game.

*Davey buzzes in*

Davey: Bringing Sean Burnett in.

Host: Show me “Bringing Sean Burnett in!”

*Board reveals that as 5th best answer*

Host: Will you play or pass?

Davey: Play.

Host: I find that hard to believe based on today’s performance, but let’s see. Mike Gonzalez, how are you? Thanks for being here. How did you blow Sunday’s game?

Mike: Throwing a wild pitch to let the tying run in.

Host: Show me “Throwing a wild pitch to let the tying run in.

*Board reveals that as 3rd best answer.

Host: Nicely done, moving along to Jordan Zimmermann. Jordan, how did you blow today’s game?

Jordan: I…didn’t.

Host: Show me “I didn’t!”

*Board reveals that as 4th best answer*

Host: You’re doing well, a big change from earlier. Moving along to Tyler Clippard. Tyler, how did you blow today’s game?

Tyler: I let in the winning run on a wild pitch in the 9th.

Host: Gee you guys suck. Show me that!

*Board reveals that as 2nd best answer*

Host: Top answer remains, let’s go to Sean Burnett. Sean, in what way did you blow Sunday’s game?

Sean: I was me.

Host: Show me “Being Sean Burnett!”

*Board reveals that as 1st best answer. All Nationals celebrate*

Host: Congratulations, you’ve won! Only, you lost the baseball game which is more important than this not real thing. See you next time!

———-

Ian Desmond continued to do his best to legitimize his All-Star nomination by hitting a home run and stealing two bases. Shame he was pulled from the All-Star team for injury concerns. Clearly these concerns are that people will try jumping off buildings and whatnot thinking that they’re dreaming if they see Desmond continue to do this well during the All-Star game.

Desmond, Harper and Bernadina each stole 2 bases. It’s the biggest case of multiple people taking bases from one entity in a single day since that slut back in college. I would not be surprised to see any of these three men put on the DL for herpes in the coming days.

The Nationals head into the All-Star Break with a 49-34 record, the best in the National League. If you told me a year ago that the Nationals would have this record so late into the season, I’d say you didn’t do a good job of writing the 8 in 84 properly, it looks like a 3.

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