Miami’s Vice: Not Scoring Runs

Bryce Harper and Steve Lombardozzi really wanted people to know that they do NOT enjoy touching each other. The ladies doth protest too much, methinks. (AP Photo/Alan Diaz)

Final Score: Nationals 4, Marlins 0

Dame of the Game:

Stephen Strasburg: 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 H, BB, 7 K; 1-1, R, BB. The last time I took a quick look at Strasburg’s hitting, he was rather absurdly 4th in the league in OPS for people with at least his number of plate appearances. Just thought I’d give you a quick update: he has now moved up to 3rd in all of baseball. Figured you’d want your day to be a little more confusing.

Shame of the Game:

Ricky Nolasco: 5.1 IP, 4 ER, 6 H, 2 BB, 2 K. I don’t know this for sure, but I’m gonna guess that Ricky’s last name is a shortened version of an old family company called ‘N Ol’ Ass, Co. Which was probably not successful. Like this start.

——

Sunday was Star Wars day at Marlins Park, which included your average Star Wars day festivities like Darth Vadar throwing out the first pitch. But if the Marlins were trying to be the Rebel Alliance, then this battle was more Hoth than Endor. Worse than that, even–Stephen Strasburg and the Nats bullpen didn’t let the Marlins take down one single AT-AT in the 4-0 shutout. Hopefully, this resulted in Ozzie Guillen being frozen in carbonite after the game.

Why am I so keen on seeing Guillen in a perpetual state of terror, mouth agape but no words able to emerge? On Sunday, he directed his particular brand of bad-word-ridden, borderline-psychotic nonsense at the Nationals, specifically one Bryce Harper. Apparently, Guillen decided that Harper had applied pine tar slightly too far up his bat and notified the umpires, who told Harper to change bats. Then, Guillen began complaining about “something” that Harper did with his bat the next time he was up, but he “didn’t want to tell” us what it was. I guess there are several possibilities:

1) Harper pointed the bat towards the Marlins dugout as if it were his 35 inch, 35 ounce penis.

2) Harper pointed the bat towards the Marlins dugout as if it were a lightsaber with which he planned to sever Ozzie Guillen’s miserable head.

3) Harper pointed his bat towards the Marlins dugout as if it were a bat pointing away from his body, the same way that he does before every plate appearance.

Three plausible options, but we’ll never know for sure…

Other than that incident, the game proceeded smoothly. The Nats were deprived of a fifth run when Roger Bernadina missed a sign on a suicide squeeze play, leading to Michael Morse being easily tagged out at home. This terrible event serves as a reminder to us all that it is always important to keep a watchful eye out for signs of suicidal behavior. Normally I would make a joke here, but this sort of thing is not a laughing matter. I will especially refrain from making any callous and trite comparisons between the awful tragedy of baserunners’ lives being prematurely extinguished and real people just killing themselves, which is much less serious. Or did I get that backwards?

Tyler Clippard nearly ruined the whole party when he loaded the bases with none out in the 9th, allowing the tying run to come to the plate. But he squeaked out of the jam without any further damage, something which he’d practiced for that morning after getting his hand stuck in the jar of preserves he’d planned to use on his breakfast toast.

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