Final Score: Braves 11, Nationals 10.
Dame of the Game:
Every Batter, Except Bryce Harper Strangely: 15-41, 9 R, 1 2B, 3 HR, 10 RBI, 5 BB. Every spot in the order minus Harper’s and the pitcher’s spot produced hits. Which is strange because I expected a lot more out of Strasburg’s bat. The offense came alive with a powerful jolt unlike many games before during this season. A similar birth to Frankenstein’s Monster. Just like Frankenstein’s Monster, the team was simply looking for affection. But some people misunderstand them, and treat them in ways they don’t deserve. Which leads me to the…
Shame of the Game:
Every Pitcher, Except Mike Gonzalez Strangely: Loss, Blown Save, 9.1 IP, 14 H, 7 BB, 11 R, 10 ER, 10 K. Mike Gonzalez was the one clear, greaseless spot, on the young teenage acne-riddled face that is the Nationals. Each other pitcher in their own unique pus-filled way, clogged up the pores that the fans breathe through easily and made this game a miserable experience that would surely result in no celebratory sex for any party involved. It sure sucks having acne, especially when it’s as pus-filled and gross as Tom Gorzelanny.
Well what the fuck? You had a 9 run lead. A 9 run lead going into the 6th. Even a 5 run lead going into the 8th. And lastly a 1 run lead going into the 9th. But you ended up going down a run. You blew more leads than a journalist who is not very good at his job. Oh sure, you tied it in the 9th for a bit, but that didn’t last. Instead you thought back to preschool when your mom told you to share, and you decided to give the Braves a run since you had just scored. Well sharing isn’t caring. Sharing is instead despairing. Parents, please let your child know about this miserable truth, lest they make friends and smile before it’s too late.
The offense was great. What a good job they did. Gold stars all around. Which I haven’t done since Jason Marquis got offended that he had to wear one and left. But the pitching, well you did bad. So bad that I will now look at each pitcher and analyze what they did to contribute to the miserable.
Stephen Strasburg: 5.1 IP, 8 H, 3 BB, 4 ER. Strasburg caught the peering eyes of Mike Rizzo looking down upon him during the 6th inning, clearly considering his innings limit. Stephen quickly imploded to preserve a lower innings pitched total. Job well done Stephen. I haven’t seen as good a job of blowing it to ultimately last longer since pre-sex masturbation.
Mike Gonzalez: 1.2 IP, 1 H, 1 BB, 0 R. Gonzalez was the one pitcher who made me smile Friday night. All the other pitchers I had made me feel queasy and vomit. $3 pitcher nights at the local bar are a dangerous thing.
Drew Storen: 0 IP, 1 H, 1 BB, 2 ER. You looked so good yesterday and so bad today. I was so happy about everything and now I’m disgusted. Jeez, I should really stop drinking and bringing people back to my place.
Sean Burnett: 1 IP, 2 H, 2 BB, 2 ER. I’d say more about him, but I have to run and help the house purchase Plan B.
Tyler Clippard: Blown Save, 1 IP, 1 H, 1 BB, 2 ER. Clippard clearly has a newfound fondness for blowing things, which makes our assumption of him being in love with Drew Storen all the more plausible. His appearances have become very similar to diarrhea: The runs in tight places.
Tom Gorzelanny: Loss, 2 IP, 2 H, 1 R. When this game went to extras, I thought to myself things are about to get ugly. And boy was I right. Tom’s only run allowed was unearned however, which is weird because usually ugly people don’t get things handed to them as easily as more attractive folks.
Hopefully the pitching is more competent during Saturday’s doubleheader. What’s that? John Lannan is pitching? Oh no…