Where’s Your God Now, Mets Fans? RA Burns Himself In Loss

Harper briefly retired in the 1st inning, throwing away his bat. He then realized that being a baseball player probably means you have very few other real world skills, and changed his mind. (Photo by Mike Stobe/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 5, Mets 2.

Dame of the Game:

Gio Gonzalez: Win, 7 IP, 2 H, 2 BB, 1 R, 0 ER, 4 K. Gio got much more satisfaction out of his meeting with Dickey this time around. R.A. must’ve been taking Viagra this time or something.

Shame of the Game:

R.A. Dickey: Loss, 6 IP, 8 H, 1 BB, 5 R, 4 ER, 7 K. Dickey lost for the first time in his last 12 decisions. People will surely say the decision was fixed and that the decision should have been awarded to Dickey, but those people are probably drunken boxing fans who somehow stumbled upon a baseball game.

———-

Trying new things can really help you live a happier life. Just look at the Nationals this season, and their decision to try winning games. I’d say everyone’s thrilled about that. Note: I don’t consider Braves, Mets, Marlins and Phillies fans important enough to be included in “everyone.” For Phillies fans in part because they’re barely people. Have you looked at some of them? Adam LaRoche took the advice to try something new today when it came to facing R.A. Dickey, by using Roger Bernadina’s bat. The result: A home run. This success using Bernadina’s lumber says to me only one thing…

Strip Bernadina of every fabric and item he owns so that you may use it to power yourself to the top. Think about it, people have had a lot of trouble hitting Dickey this year, including the Nats and LaRoche. If Adam simply using Roger’s bat could help him turn things around completely, then taking more things from Shark could highly benefit the Nats when it comes to facing tough pitchers.

Sure, some could say that a nude, possessionless Roger Bernadina is a waste of a roster spot, but I just think we should look at him as a supply truck of sorts. He helps support the team from behind the front lines, by giving away everything he owns and loves to men obligated to be his friends through contractual obligations. I know I’d love to have a chance to do just that.

So let’s ransack Roger’s locker, even his home for anything that the Nationals players could wear, use, or replace their own organs with. You have two kidneys? Come on Shark, stop being selfish and help the team. Give us three, I’m sure your dad can spare his too.

Now I know some may call this a silly superstition, and that LaRoche was able to hit the home run because of having greater bat speed from using a lighter bat. To those people, I would say that logic has no place in Washington. And I think the entirety of the current U.S. Congress would back up that statement.

Hopefully you see the Nationals donning pants much too small amongst other things during tomorrow’s series finale vs. the Mets at noon. The Nats face the young Hefner. Young? I guess that’s what he likes to tell himself to get playmates to still sleep with him.

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