Fiersd: Nats Could Find Themselves Unemployed After Poor Performance Review

Hey Jonathan LuCroy, you can’t make snow angels if there isn’t any snow. Duh. (Jeffrey Phelps / AP)

Final Score: Brewers 6, Nationals 0

Dame of the Game:

Henry Rodriguez: 1 IP, 0 ER, K. Figured I might as well give this to him in case of the likely event that he never does anything good again.

Shame of the Game:

Ross Detwiler: 4.2 IP, 4 ER, 7 H, 2 BB, 5 K. As Chien-Ming Wang might say if he followed racial-linguistic sterotypes, Detwiler got the “ross.”

——–

They say that revenge is a dish best served cold, but the Brewers didn’t bother to follow that maxim in getting retribution for the Nats 6 run margin of victory Thursday night. Which is ironic, since brewers usually like to serve things cold, namely beer.

I guess that’s not that ironic.

This game was a slugfest for the Nats. Not the kind of slugfest where they score a lot of runs. The kind of slugfest where they literally play like a group of slugs. Barely moving. Looking disgusting. Having sex with themselves since they have both male and female sexual organs (you couldn’t see it happening, but you knew it was going on somewhere under those jockstraps). That’s what this game was. Just three hours of slug sex. No one wants to watch that.

Were there any positives to take away from them this game? Nope. The offense, defense, and pitching all sucked. This game was definitely in like, the bottom 5th percentile of games that have or will happen this season. If this game were a high school student, it would’ve gotten a 300 combined score on the SATs, had a GPA of 0.8, and the only extracurricular activity it would’ve done would’ve been unprofitable drug dealer.

I guess there were positives for the Brewers. They stopped a 7 game losing streak, although once you get to that point you might as well keep losing to see if you can reach some historically unprecedented level of losingness. Mike Fiers was fiersing on all cylinders (because one “fiers” pun wasn’t enough for this post). Their offense got hits with their bats. Whatever. Great for them, and all that.

Probably the best solution is for us to just expunge this game from our memories. Where’s Will Smith with a neuralyzer when you need him…

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