Monthly Archives: August 2012

Edwin-ter is Coming: Jackson’s Orgasmic Performance Freezes Cards Offense

“Okay, how who did it. Who took my last pop tart. Fess up before I get really angry.” (Photo by Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 8, Cardinals 1

Dame of the Game:

Edwin Jackson: 8 IP, 1 R, 0 ER, 4 H, 2 BB 10 K. In the Game of Throws, you Ed-Win or you Ed-die.

(I told you I had a nearly-inexhaustible supply of Game of Thrones puns.)

Shame of the Game:

Jamie Garcia: 5.1 IP, 6 ER, 9 H, 2 K. (SPOILER) Jaime just hasn’t been the same since he got his pitching hand cut off.

——–

Yeeeeeeeah…that’s the stuff.

This game was essentially the polar opposite of the last game I wrote about. Everything that was soul-crushing about Tuesday’s game was soul-enhancing about this one. After watching just a few innings of this game, I already felt like my soul was improving by leaps and bounds and I had moved several steps closer to enlightenment. By the time the Nats had won, nirvana and the true end of all suffering seemed just around the corner.

Then the game ended, I realized I really needed to do laundry, and suffering resumed. Disappointing. If I was the type of person to write something like “#natsfanproblems,” this is where I’d do it. But I’m not so don’t you DARE ever say I did. Continue reading

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2012 Nationals Player Profile: Cesar Izturis

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Hail Cesar!

Cesar may be gone now, but his time with the Nationals was an important one. Here I will discuss the things Cesar accomplished during his time here.

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Henry Rodriguez has Surgery

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I’m not sure surgery was necessary. Maybe just adjusting the antenna for a clearer picture.

Henry Rodriguez is out for the season after undergoing elbow surgery today. I hope the surgery was a success, but knowing Henry’s luck, the doctor probably jabbed him with a scalpel a few feet away from the desired target and messed everything up.

H-Rod was a tremendous closer at the beginning of the year but fell on hard times due to his inaccurate pitching. Doctors now say he won’t be able to pick up a ball for three months, which will make adjusting his boxers very uncomfortable for a while.

Hopefully he rebounds just like his pitches rebounded off the backstop over and over.

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My Pilgrimage to Montreal

Almost every cultural group has historic sites that attract followers on a daily basis. The cult of Nationalsism is no different. The Nationals current form as a Washington team is relatively new, and has a very brief history.

But while the Washington team is new, the Washington franchise has a rich history that dates back to the 1960s. From 1969-2004, this franchise was known as the Montreal Expos. It is important we don’t forget where we came from, and what made the franchise the way it is now.

This past week, I took a trip to Montreal with a similar mindset to the many pilgrims to Mecca. After all, a trip to Montreal is one of the Five Pillars of Nationalsism, which are all noted below:

1. Kalima. The declaration of faith, professing that there is only one GM (Mike Rizzo) and that Davey Johnson is Rizzo’s manager.

2. Salat. All followers must pray five times a day while facing Nationals Park.

3. Zakat. The alms-giving, where all fans must give to Nationals charities.

4. Sawm. Fasting, which is especially hard cause Ben’s Chili Bowl is really tasty.

5. Hajj. The pilgrimage to Montreal.

I detail my experience below.

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Matt Skole Wins SAL MVP

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The awards are not as fancy as they used to be.

Nationals prospect Matt Skole has won the South Atlantic League MVP. He follows in the footsteps of people such as Marcus Giles, Ruben Rivera, and Scott Seabol. These footsteps are often wet and muddy, due to the tears these players cried over their failing careers.

Skole had spent most of the season with the Hagerstown Suns before a recent promotion to Potomac. Winning the award for his efforts in Hagerstown, I guess you could say that Skole was the league’s favorite Sun. All of the other Suns aren’t sure what they could’ve done to make the fatherly league officials prouder, since they can’t reasonably use the excuse, “Well maybe if you played sports like your brother!”

Matt Skole has done well in his brief time in Potomac and will hopefully continue to climb the ranks. I know the chewing tobacco companies hope that he makes it big. Just imagine the advertising opportunities! “Skole Brand Skoal.” Just imagine the cancer opportunities!

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I Can’t Believe It’s Not A Loss: Nationals Spread Happiness with Win

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Justin Ruggiano has no escape from the terrifying baseball. (Photo by Marc Serota/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 8, Marlins 4.

Dame of the Game:

Bryce Harper: 2-5, 2 R, 2 HR, 3 RBI. Two home runs in one game. Wow. One wasn’t enough for you, Bryce? Oh right, you’re a Mormon.

Shame of the Game:

Jacob Turner: Loss, 5 IP, 6 H, 5 ER, 6 K. Many Nationals climbed all over Jacob’s Ladder to reach a heavenly state today from ending their five game losing streak. The Marlins on the other hand slid down the lesser noted Jacob’s Chute, falling farther into the hell that comes with being a Marlin.

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Rosie the Riveter was right. We can do it! We can win baseball games! Many didn’t believe in us, many thought that we were at the point where we’d sit back and let the rest of the league run all over us like they had been for years. But disaster struck. A 5-game losing streak. We had to step up and show our worth, that we could do things just as well as anyone else. Finally, during the 6th game we have achieved what we’ve been working so hard for. Hopefully we are never relegated to sitting back and losing ever again, and we remain on an equal plane with the rest of the league for the rest of the way.

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… : …

“I don’t want it. Do you want it?” “Uh, not really.” “…” “…” “One of us should probably get it.” “Yeah…” “…” “…nah” (AP Photo/Wilfredo Lee)

Final Score: Marlins 9, Nationals 0

Dame of the Game:

Nope.

Shame of the Game:

The Washington FUCKING Nationals.

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….

So here we are. August 29th, 2012, and the Nationals are four games ahead in the NL East after losing their fifth straight. Five months ago, I never would have thought that I could be this upset at a four game division lead on August 29, but then I never would have thought that I could accidentally gamble away all my possessions and be forced to make my new home among the Swamp People either, so there you go. Continue reading

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I’M TOO ANGRY TO COME UP WITH A CLEVER HEADLINE: Phils Sweep Nats

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This nut kicking epidemic is getting out of hand. (AP Photo/H. Rumph Jr)

Final Score: Phillies 4, Nationals 1.

Dame of the Game:

Tyler Moore: 2-4, 2 2B, 1 RBI. For the second game this series, Moore was the only National to drive in a run. I wish we could have a lot Moore of him in the lineup…ha…ha…but the last time we tried cloning a player, a slug snuck into the machine with Kip Wells and…well…now we have Tom. So let’s not risk that again.

Shame of the Game:

That strange congealed mayonnaise pile who sits in the Phillies dugout and makes pitching changes, for somehow out-managing Davey this series. What? That’s a human being? Hmm, that kind of explains why he’s wearing pants.

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I trusted you, Barack Obama. I trusted you, when in 2008, you promised change in Washington. Don’t get me wrong, I knew it would take time, but I thought by 2012 our time would have arrived. I understand you inherited a mess from Bush, but I hoped you would follow through with your goals. I expected the change that you promised, but all I’ve seen is the same shit that I’ve known since 2005. You have done nothing to help Washington. Just look at the numbers! We are still losing series to the Phillies and I am fed up! I voted for you to have you help Washington beat the Phillies. But instead, the Phillies sweep yet another series from us, and go up 7-5 on the season. You have done a sad sad job as President. I mean, kudos on the wars ending, gay marriage supporting, car industry saving, etc. But really, you fucked up here and that’s inexcusable.

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An Anthropological Study of the Phillie Fan: A Loss for the Nationals, a Gain for Science

Phillie fans amuse themselves by watching the “Phillies” (for which they are named) play a game on this field involving bases, balls, and men.

Final Score: Phillies 4, Nationals 2

Dame of the Game: 

The 2-3 Phillie fans who weren’t horrible to me.

Shame of the Game:

The rest of the Phillie fans.

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Much has been written of the Phillie fan, that savage creature that has for so long invaded and pillaged the beautiful lands of Navy Yard. Our understanding of these people, however, is colored largely by their behavior while on these raids into our homeland. We know little of the social mores and culture of their native land. Our opinion of the Phillie fan may well have been biased by only observing them in their most aggressive state.

In order to right this scientific injustice, I embarked on a journey to Citizens Bank Park in the distant nation of Philadelphia to gain a greater understanding of the Phillie fan and its society. What follows are my findings, obtained at no small risk to my personal well-being.
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Kyle’s Team is a Big Fat Bitch, it’s the Biggest Bitch in the Whole Wide League

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Tyler Moore happily trots away after kicking Kyle Kendrick in the nuts. (AP Photo/H. Rumph Jr)

Final Score: Phillies 4, Nationals 2.

Dame of the Game:

Tyler Moore: 1-1, 1 R, 1 HR, 2 RBI. Tyler was the only National who seemed to think scoring was an appealing idea. I didn’t know this was a team of eunuchs. Although I assumed Gorzelanny might have just cut his off by now since nobody ever uses it.

Shame of the Game:

The MASN Broadcast. Usually a quality broadcast, I must complain that they didn’t blur out obscene content tonight. Sure there’s a lot of them, but when there’s something as shockingly grotesque as Phillies fans’ faces being shown left and right you really have to step up and censor them. Think of the children.

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Tonight, the Nationals came into Philadelphia and lost. I guess the phrase “it’s always sunny in Philadelphia” doesn’t hold true for Nats fans. Not only because the game was depressing, but also because it took place at night and the sun isn’t there at night. I wonder what other phrases related to Philadelphia are just bald-faced lies. How about, “The City of Brotherly Love.” Hmm, no that sounds about right. I mean without incest, how would Phillies fans look so deformed.

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