The following telegram from Washington, DC to Philadelphia was intercepted this morning at 08:52 hours and is presented here exclusively by The Zimmerman(n) Telegram.
Philadelphia Phillies Foreign Ministry
The war is over. You all but conceded defeat when you traded away two of your best warriors on July 31. When the war began, even our own strategists predicted that it would be a long war of attrition stretching through summer deep into the autumn months. Instead, our victory was swift and decisive.
And yet, you keep fighting. Why? It is futile. It will only cause more suffering to the young men and their families on both sides, all to no purpose. Your two recent victories have done little to delay your inevitable defeat.
If you continue to resist, the consequences may be severe. I’m not saying for sure that we will send Sean Burnett riding a nuclear bomb into the heart of Philadelphia. But I’m saying we’ll probably do it. “Two birds with one nuclear bomb,” and all that. Plus, if there were ever a person I’d describe as “Dr. Strange Love,” it’s Sean Burnett.
It’d almost be a shame not to nuke Philadelphia, the idea is so perfect.
If you’d like to avoid that outcome, we have a proposal for you: surrender. These are our terms.
- The Phillies will not do anything annoying to the Nationals in games the rest of the year, such as beating them too much or helping the Braves win the division.
- Phillies fans can still come to Nationals Park, but only if they all wear “I’m a clown, bro” shirts and never smile.
- We’re not going to insist that Citizens Bank Park be renamed Nationals Park North. We’re not that petty. Instead, you just have to rename your entire city “New Washington DC Except With a Worse Baseball Team.”
- You will replace your dumb mascot with a giant rolling Livan Hernandez head.
- You will give us Jonathan Papelbon as a hostage (with no guarantee of good treatment and a likelihood of bad treatment).
These our are terms. They are extremely reasonable, as I’m sure you will agree. I urge you to accept as soon as possible to save your people further misery.