Nats Drop the Bomb: War with Philly Ends

Final Score: Nationals 3, Phillies 0.

Dame of the Game:

Ross Detwiler: Win, 7 IP, 3 H, 2 BB, 0 R, 3 K. Ross the boss helped the Phillies get one step closer to getting more vacation days come October.

Shame of the Game:

The Phillies Offense. I think calling this an offense today is a bit generous. Although they certainly did offend those who expected them to play well.


The Phillies have clearly accepted the Nats’ terms of surrender. With the impressive addition to their arsenal today, the U.S.S. Werth, the Nats were simply too powerful for the Phillies to fight back against. The cannons (like Detwiler and Clippard) provided solid defense, while the giant wooden clubs were surprisingly effective despite not being technologically advanced. Hopefully all the other teams realize that our soldiers cannot be defeated. Unless they use actual guns and bombs and shit. Then we’re all dead.

With the Phillies seemingly giving up, where do we turn to find our next enemy? Some would the Braves, which I agree with to a point. But Washington has been such a bitch to Native Americans before that I feel rubbing it in more is just super mean. Maybe we’re in for a time of peace. No guns (so no MPH totals anymore), no wars (which hasn’t been the case since before we fought against obesity to help out Livan), and no angry white men controlling our fate from an unreachable position. Oh wait, Davey Johnson probably isn’t going anywhere.

I hope we can compensate all the veterans nicely for their efforts. I mean, multi-million dollar contracts go fast, they need our support for their service. We’ll send their children to schools, as long as they’re good baseball ones and they give us a break if we draft them. And we’ll honor them with special days. As long as bobblehead making costs don’t rise.

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