Hitting the Gi-Spot: Gio Pleases Us All With Wood and Balls

Final Score: Nationals 4, Astros 3.

Dame of the Game:

Gio Gonzalez: Win, 9 IP, 9 H, 2 BB, 3 ER, 7 K; 1-4, 1 R, 1 HR, 2 RBI. Gio threw a 9 inning complete game AND hit a home run, both of which were firsts for him. He also smiled, which was probably his first since hitting the 5 billion smile mark.

Shame of the Game:

Armando Galarraga: Loss, 5 IP, 6 H, 6 BB, 3 ER, 5 K; 0-2. Galarraga was one out away from perfection again, in that he could’ve walked out the door before the game and not allowed any hits. Sadly for him, he chose to pitch.

(UPDATE) Honorary Shame of the Game:

Angel Hernandez: 9 innings umpired, several terrible calls made, K, -1 BB. The people demanded Angel’s head, so decapitate we must. I have no good explanation for his general horrible umpiring and odious choice to strike out Bryce Harper after he received six balls, other than maybe he took it upon himself to personally rectify the harm done to Galarraga by Jim Joyce two years ago by helping his line for this game look slightly less horrible.

If so, that’s really stupid, and I feel no more bad about the head thing.


The Nationals are lucky that one of their starters is not only good on the mound, but with their bat as well. They’re also lucky that another one of their starters is good in both areas as well. Additionally, they are quite lucky that a third one of their starters can not only throw gems, but can also hit home runs. I think you see where I’m going with this. The entire Nationals rotation is a group of cyborgs who are perfectly modified to hit, pitch, and love with the same high level of success.

Ok, maybe you didn’t see where I was going with that.

Today was a great day for science, as one of these cyborgs turned out as well as any scientist could’ve hoped. Gio Gonzalez made the day all about him, with his fantastic arm, powerful bat, and paying off the mayor to make it Gio Gonzalez Day. It didn’t take much cash, because with Gio’s charming smile it is very hard to say no. Also if a man comes into your office swinging a baseball bat you do what he tells you.

After the game, Gio said he had 52 text messages waiting for him on his phone. Reporters laughed, but it was really a masked cry for help. All those dick pics that Davey is sending Gio’s way are getting very uncomfortable.

Gio helped the bullpen get a much needed rest after some extra inning effort earlier this series. The entirety of the team cuddled up and spooned with one another while napping. Tyler was the little spoon, Drew at the other end, and Tom was made to stand in the bathroom as to make people feel less weird. You may think this was a joke, but after seeing that Fifty Shades of Grey video, I wouldn’t be surprised.

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