Tasty Morsels: Homers Help Nats Chow Down on Houston

Lucas Harrell forgot his sled, and the fact that it wasn’t snowing, and the fact that he was supposed to be pitching. But he’s persistent. (Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 5, Astros 0

Dame of the Game:

Michael Morse: 2-3, 2 HR, 3 RBI, 2 R, K. Morse’s first home run was a tape measure shot, and I don’t mean everyone’s favorite drink where you grind up a tape measure and mix it with vodka.

Shame of the Game:

The Houston Astros franchise. It doesn’t get much more shameful than playing for them, or being otherwise employed by them, or hoping they’ll win.


On Sunday night, the Astros probably lay in bed thinking “man, the only way this season could get worse is if we got swept by the Nationals.” Not just because such an outcome would be demoralizing, but also because literally the only result of a four game series that would actually cause the Astros’ winning percentage to go down significantly would be a sweep.

The Astros’ season just got worse.

It’s pretty sad. Beating the Astros is kinda like walking down the street and shoving children into oncoming traffic. Or assassinating¬†someone who’s already hanging from a noose. Or setting a retirement home on fire. Or telling Tom Gorzelanny’s date that he has an STD. Just cruel.

The Nationals have no choice, though. Their schedule demands that they play the Astros, and in order to preserve their playoff spot it behooves them to beat the Astros. The Braves did it, after all, and will continue to do so in the future. The Nats can’t afford to take pity on Houston and let them win a game or two if their adversaries have no such mercy.

It’s a classic prisoner’s dilemma. Specifically, the Astros are the prisoners, and the Nats are torturing them. Jordan Zimmerman put them through the rack with 11 strikeouts. Michael Morse strapped two electrodes to their testicles in the form of solo home runs. And Tom Gorzelanny forced them to look at his face for hours on end.

Oh man. Two “Tom Gorzelanny is ugly” jokes in one post. That’s gotta be some kind of record. Sort of like the record that Tom Gorzelanny set for being so ugly.

That’s three! I could do this all night! Sort of like Tom Gorzelanny failing to have sex with wom–

Alright, alright. If you insist.

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