A Vogelsong of Bryce and Fire: Giants Starter Meets Unexpected, Premature Death

The Giants pitching is not what it used to be. (Jason O. Watson/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 14, Giants 2

Dame of the Game:

Everyone. Every man who donned a Nationals uniform last night and stepped on the field was either good or wonderful. Even Kurt Suzuki. Even…Kurt Suzuki. (Even Kurt Suzuki, you ask? Yes. Even Kurt Suzuki.)

Shame of the Game:

Ryan Vogelsong. 2.2 IP, 8 ER, 9 H, 2 BB, 5 K. Longtime readers will note that the title of this post is the second “Song of Ice and Fire” pun title that I’ve made. And don’t worry, all you Zimmerman(n) Telegram/Game of Thrones crossover fans, I’ve already thought of many more, so as soon as the very specific situations required for them to work happen, you’ll get them.

Hint: if Ryan Vogelsong, Bryce Harper, and Mike Fiers ever somehow end up playing in the same game, I will have achieved the ultimate SoIaF baseball joke. Make the trade, Giants and Brewers.

——–

14 runs is a lot of runs. Too many for me to tell you about all of them. So in lieu of summarizing this game, here are 14 quotes said by various Nationals only in their heads and not out loud during last night’s game.

1. “Okay. Okay. Okay. SKREEEEENGE. Hugahugahugahugahugahugahuga. Okay. Okay. Okay.” –Ryan Zimmerman, hitting an RBI double.

2. “Do work, bro. Get after it. Just be yourself and do it. You’re a big man. You’ve had sex with a girl sort of.” –Bryce Harper, stepping up to the plate.

3. “” –Adam LaRoche.

4. “If I just keep smiling, they’ll never know about my crippling phobia of the Pacific Ocean. Just. Keep. Smiling.” –Gio Gonzalez, between innings.

5. “Man, do I look gooooood today.” –Tom Gorzelanny, looking at himself in the mirror right before he comes in to pitch.

6. “I did it! Hoop! Hip! Yips! I made it go there! The nice man at third base patted my butt! I’ve never been so happy in my life!” –Danny Espinosa, after homering.

7. “Okay, this is it. My big moment to shine. To strike out the side and make the Nationals finally appreciate me and the fans love me. I can do it. I can–huh? What? Where am I?” –John Lannan, waking up from a dream.

8. “NAILS NAILS NAILS” –Chad Tracy, running to first base..

9. “I eagerly await for the sweet embrace of death.” –Jesus Flores, bottom of the 6th.

10. “Blood. I can smell it. There. I must chase it. It’s coming from that flying white ball. Mmmm…delicious flesh.” –Roger Bernadina, while making a diving catch.

11. “I’d say I’ve made love to more than my fair share of women in my life. I have nothing to be ashamed of, certainly.” –Davey Johnson, walking to the mound to take out Gio Gonzalez.

12. “My name is Kurt Suzuki, got an arm like a bazook-i. My name is Kurt Suzuki, got an arm like a bazook-i. My name is Kurt Suzuki, got an arm like a bazook-i. My name is Kurt Suzuki, got an arm like a bazook-i…” –Kurt Suzuki, the entire game.

13. “Thank goodness, a blowout. A chance for some alone time with Drew. I hope he’ll want to spend it with me. Did he just look in my direction? Oh wait, no, that’s just a fan taking off his clothes and grabbing his nipples behind me. But Drew’s left foot is pointed in my direction. Does that mean he likes me? It must! Maybe it doesn’t. I don’t know. Just take me now, Drew Storen.” –Tyler Clippard, top of the 8th.

14. “I forgot why I exist.” –Cesar Izturis.

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