Johan-nes Bombs: Santana Composes Very Flat Work


Morse just loves the smell of his finger. …I don’t want to know where it’s been. (Photo by Patrick McDermott/Getty Images)

Final Score: Nationals 6, Mets 4.

Dame of the Game:

Mike Morse: 1-4, 1 R, 1 HR, 4 RBI. The horse had just one hit. But does this mean he had a bad performance? Neigh!

Shame of the Game:

Johan Santana: Loss, 5 IP, 7 H, 6 ER, 4 K. Yo Han, maybe focus a bit more on quality pitching and a bit less on smuggling goods throughout space. Although it is very important for baseball players to learn a profession to use for after retirement. Scratch what I just said.


Mike Morse and Johan Santana have taken two different paths back from injury; Morse has taken the path of success, while Johan has taken the path of playing for the Mets. His supporting cast aside, Johan has done poorly on his own, notably going 0-5 with a 15.63 ERA in his last five starts. When asked what was causing these problems, Johan just kept claiming that he thought it was Opposite Day. This wouldn’t usually work, but considering that most people running things in baseball have the mental capacity of a five year old, everyone seemed fine with letting Johan continue to pitch.

But then we look at Mike Morse. No, Mike hasn’t thrown a no-hitter, nor has he raped a woman on a golf course, but he’s still a very good ballplayer. He made a great deal of people happy tonight in Natstown thanks to his fantastic grand slam. Denny’s, you better lower your prices because people will just start going to Mike since his version of the grand slam is so much better. Also it has much more positive effects on your heart. In that it horribly cripples it with an overwhelming sensation of love for Mike, instead of with clogged arteries.

While Morse’s HR put the Nats ahead for good, a 5th inning bomb from Harper turned out to be the difference. Bryce has been slumping for quite some time, which has led to poor numbers and will surely lead to bad posture down the line. Hopefully this home run can start some sort of turn around for Bryce. I like to think the slump was just a phase for Bryce. I mean teens go through them all the time. Hopefully he grows out of it just like growing out of being emo or something. In fact, Bryce slumping and being an emo youth have something in common. With being an emo kid, sometimes you cut yourself out of depression, and with Bryce doing badly, sometimes cut myself out of depression!

We spoke about Johan before, but it takes two men to start in a baseball game. Or 1.5 men if one team is running Jim Abbott out there. On the starting side for the Nats, Ross Detwiler turned in a decent performance, having not done so well last time out. It’s nice to have the National Det moving in the right direction. It would be a shame if the US had to borrow from China by using Wang, or perhaps even turn to socialist ways to figure out the problem by turning to Lannan. This joke is brought to you by using your imagination to make Lannan sound like Lenin. Sorry, had to say that. Damn sponsors.

Oh and what’s this? Roger Bernadina getting caught stealing?! How pathetic! Hahahahahahahahahahah. (I’m mostly just jealous that Sharkadina got their website on the back of a Topps card. So I did this instead of buying a sports car to cover my crippling insecurities. I figure it’s easier. Unless I hurt Bernadina’s feelings, which is a greater hurt than losing any amount of money.)

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